It definitely does feel a bit empty, but I wonder if that feeling of emptiness is because we're doing the GAL for the wrong reasons. We're doing it because we want to be a more attractive partner for our WAW, as opposed to doing it for oureslves, and it feels empty because we have no pathway to show that effort. I know these things are the "right" thing for me to be doing, but it definitely just feels like I'm doing them right now to check off a to-do list.
I think this is completely normal. Fake it til you make it. Sometimes I GAL and feel like a warrior, sometimes I feel like a lifeless robot.
Originally Posted by SteveS
In MC, part of it is just checking in to see how we're emotionally doing w/r/t the separation, and the other part of it is identifying areas that we weren't clicking, then facilitating an understanding of how we both can better approach it moving forward. It's been helpful, but also frustrating because there's no way to go and enact those better behaviors. I know at least personally in MC before the separation, I struck way, way too much of a defensive tone and wasn't going into it with the right mentality - a huge regret in hindsight.
It's great you are learning about yourself and better ways to handle future relationships (whether with your W or somebody new). It sounds like you have the same aimlessness that I do in my sitch. You don't even know what your W is hoping to get out of it. I would venture to guess even she doesn't know, but it will likely end up (based on what the vets here say) as another checkbox she can tick off to say she tried, to ease her guilt.
That makes it sound like she is harsh and cold, and that's not what I am implying. But I think "Separation + MC" without clear steps to working on the MR is basically a "soft divorce". If you see it any other way, you are setting yourself up for more pain. As you mentioned, there are no ways for you to apply the learnings.
I don't know - maybe someone here has had a sitch where MC during separation actually saved their MR. I haven't read one yet, but people come and go on the forums.
Originally Posted by SteveS
I think maybe I'm (and we're) just feeling a bit blue. I talked a close friend I can be open with last night, and his response was akin to "Of course she misses you - you were the most important person in her life for seven years, you built a life together, she loved you enough to marry you, and she cares about you enough to separate and not divorce, to go to MC as opposed to given up, etc." and that was helpful. It'd be great to hear her say it and have that reassurance, but that's unlikely.
Of course she still cares for you. She also fired you as her H (okay, put you on permanent administrative leave, whatever). I have a really positive friend who says these kinds of things to me -- it feeds into my desire for things to work out, but he has been mostly wrong every step of the way the last 3 months.
The best I can say is that S+MC is another form of limbo, you don't know what's going to happen, treat it as such. Don't look to your W for signals. Seeking reassurance is a sign that you should work on detachment.
Originally Posted by SteveS
One thing that she did say in MC is that out of all the thoughts that make her sad, the one thing that really, really upsets her is the idea of us having no relationship at all, if I was just out of her life completely. I immediately wondered if that puts me into a bucket where she only views on future relationship of ours as a platonic friend, but it was nice to hear, as small of a carrot as it was.
I used to say the same thing to ex-GFs when I broke up with them. And I really meant it, they were all great people, things just didn't click. I am friends with none of them today.
