That's my biggest problem is pride, stubborness and I try not to be reactive and vindictive, it gets stirred up sometimes, but I do my best not to act on it. Just when I think I've relinquished it it rears its ugly head again. Something I need to change. Pride is what got me in this mess in the first place. 5 days ago I was willing to put aside differences for the sake of our son and do the party jointly... W also asked me to come down to friends D birthday party after I was done with OT Sat. I asked her if she wanted me there or if she needed space. She said let me think about it. She was flip-flopping between having me there or just coming down to pick up S1. So i asked her to let me know by Friday otherwise I'll make plans for Saturday I told her. I decided it was best I just let her be down there with S1 at the party with all her friends.

I however was actually excited about the both of us planning my son's birthday party at first. I was the one that came up with the idea for the venue. Since she wanted to start planning it with me jointly. I was also invited to another birthday party over the weekend. She also want to go to my cousin's house to see her new house with me and S1 that is the only occasion that we have considered doing jointly together outside our son's birthday. I decided to retract the cousins visit together and do it separate. Then I decided to retract doing the son's birthday together. My problem is I'm still continually reacting to how much he is progressing in the S/D process. There are some days we have some really good long talks but it still goes nowhere and she still keeps losing more and more towards divorce. I still haven't posted that conversation on here yet. I'm still somewhat suspect that she is in a EA too but I don't have 100% proof. Just clues. Again some days were nice with one another and other days it's just business as usual and other days it's just silence, and constant tension. When she's tense time im calm and when I'm calm she's tense. When she gets tense about her timeline and how she wants proceed with things and I state that I'm not ready for that until I speak with the lawyer she gets all bent out of shape and emotional and a little bit hostile and then we come down again. Both of our emotions are all over the map the time I where we are what we're doing how are day was what's going on and how we're proceeding.

I never know when I'm doing the right thing around here and everything's always on a time schedule. (Which I totally understand and I'm grateful for your help.) But by the time someone gets words of wisdom back to me here on what to do I've already have had to make a decision and sometimes I don't know if I'm making the right one out of pride or honor or vindicism or what? I'm not confident in my abilities to make decisions through all this because of my emotions and my logic and my reactivity getting in the way of another. Basically when she moves forward I move forward and when she steps back I step back. It's not difficult to understand what everyone here has been telling me and telling other people with their situation over the last several months. It's and when to apply it. Balance, timing, good judgement, etc.

I don't know what's the right thing to do. Then there's the decision of am I doing right by? Myself? Or my son. Am I protecting myself from getting emotional at a joint family occaision? Or am being perceived as being spiteful and flip floppy with my feelings, based on which direction we are headed in at any given day. It's a constant internal struggle. I don't show it but I know she can sense it. I get so confused around here when I need answers and I'm asking for advice because of everyone else's situations and what I read and timing of everything if when I need to apply it by.. (Please don't misread this as me being blaming in anyway.) I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face or be hardnosed unless necessary. What I'm trying to say is I can read the Vets here saying in one instance stop allowing the playing family and cake eating, then Sandi will giving some very insightful well articulated compassionate advise. If I knew for a fact whether my W was WW or WAW. It would be a game-changer for me. All the signs are there and the probable cause is there I have been there since January. But there's no proof. Either way she doesn't have any romantic feelings for me is somewhat scared of me so she professed before. Looks at me as a friend in this sorry she's hurting me but not the cost of her happiness. Is 99.9% certain she wants divorce, and any resistance I put up towards her as far as on her timeline about selling the house just drives her further to it. The only thing that keeps her hesitant is fear and insecurity of her own. She is fairly confident now she is not making a mistake. I am however cooperating with her and all of this now. The Mediation, all the paperwork, but not before I check my rights, and secure myself. ( I will get into my other story sometime when I have the chance to write it up to about all of the verbal discussions we had last week, what was discussed how she said things to me.)

I don't want to be just her friend, and I don't want to play familybtowards doing family things together when we are not together. On the other hand I want to do things right by son. Me flip-flopping like this all the time given everyone's input at certain given times. And me being able to make a decision based on the day-to-day circumstances that changes too, is killing any consistency of mine. But I'm doing my best to remain consistent in behavior, attitude, emotion, and decisions.