Now what?

[BarbH]

Thanks kml and Hamburg-yes, I've always had that ability to hope for the best, and plan for the worst. So even though one part of my mind is spinning like a top, the other part can plan...I do critical care and I think that's a skill developed through that!

That being said, here it is 3 am, and I'm wide awake and in turmoil. Weirdly last evening I was reading and the joyful (there is no other expression for it) feeling came into my mind like God was talking to me and it was "he's coming back". It was almost overwhelming. I have been putting this in the hands of God. But here I am again in the wee hours. I've cut back my antidepressants-phoning my doc today as they were turning me into a zombie. Now I'm back wrestling with all the uncertainty. Just random 3 am thoughts. Visiting my in-laws tomorrow. Trying hard not to stress them out too much (my in-laws are totally stressed by this, and can't believe it either). We want to stay friends through all this.

""Do not believe anything he says and trust a small portion of his actions. You are correct to get everything in writing. The MLC mind is out for itself only. Lies, drama, manipulation, more lies, financial irresponsibility, irrational behaviors are likely in your future. [/quote]

I'm actually totally freaked out by the lies. We've always been honest with each other, at least I thought so. Drama-I'm also puzzled that there is no drama between him and me (does this make any sense?) almost like he doesn't have enough emotion about me to even have an angry/emotional spark. it's like he's emotionally dead, except for his eyes darting around everywhere. Just nothing....he's totally detached. He's never even really talked about why he wants out-just "we're beyond talking 2 months ago" (followed of course by "I love you, it's always only been you" followed 5 days later by "no spark"). Maybe we are done? Maybe he's convinced we're done? I'm not. But then why not sell (I've mentioned it twice-as in "if we are really done, we should just sell). See, my mind starts circling again.

I don't even get to try validation as the conversation is so banal.

The drama is what I think he's been enjoying with his "workfriend". He left his facebook open a few weeks ago (I don't snoop anymore, it's beneath me and doesn't change anything). The messages between him and his male friends at work were nauseating-like reading about a Grade 10 boy's crush on someone. "ooh she's giving me the cold shoulder" that kind of thing. Made me want to vomit. So clearly the guys at work are egging this on-they call it the "Donny and Marie" show. Is no-one saying "hey what about your 33 yr relationship?"

The mixed messages right now are clearly not in my favour. Have we squandered so much over the past few years that there is no recovery? That thought just makes me want to curl up on the floor and howl.

thanks for listening to my 3 in the morning thoughts. It's the worst time of day.