Daily rollercoaster of emotions

[Rita]

Nyla, I can imagine how incredible that was for you -- how wonderful and awful all at once, how confusing, how much hope it gave you and how it also fed your despair.

I am not a fan of rules except the zero expectation rule.

I always think of Charlyne from another site when I consider that stuff. She was the other woman to her husband's OW for a half year or something before he came back. She felt it was hypocritical to say she was keeping her vows and not allow her own H to kiss her and I am sure more than that when he started testing the waters. Their marriage was restored and became a ministry. I am not saying it's because she allowed that, but certainly she gave the pain of allowing it to God and in that way was able to bear the conflict and pain of it.

I am not sure it's possible to do that without putting all your trust in God and none in H. Whether you have God in your life or not, I am not saying to do what she did. But I am saying to not harden your heart. I don't know if that means allowing a kiss or not. I have no idea, really if you keep it soft by allowing a kiss or by not allowing one. I am sure your H will come and go and change his mind a million times over. And it may be too painful to kiss him or sleep with him or whatever you are contemplating and then see him come and go.

After 7 years in this mess, I guess what I mean is that I honestly don't think it's the boundaries that change anything. I have done boundaries and no boundaries and everything in between. Not for week at a time -- for YEARS. None of your boundaries or kisses can be a strategy. I think you could kiss him and even sleep together and it won't change anything about his trajectory. He will either return or he won't. (I think he will, based on what you have written about him and on the OW in question, honestly, but it will be a lot longer of a wait than you think.) It will take a long time for him to come back either way. The boundaries are for you. The not kissing or the kissing. It's what you can bear and what gives you the most peace in this storm. If my husband wanted to kiss me, I would have done it anytime, even if he was sleeping with some one of the slime-covered witches he found in these last 7 years. I would do it knowing that it won't change anything.