Last item (and could use feedback on this) - D3 doesn't have summer camp for three weeks starting next week so W's family a few hours away is watching her for the first week. We normally go altogether and W asked me what I wanted to do. Given that it's her family I told her that if she wanted me to go, I would go, and if she wants to go solo, then she is welcome to do so. She decided to go solo. I'm sad because this is a family thing and, as someone who enjoys serving others, I enjoyed serving my family by doing the [boring] drive. I'm also a bit sad since D3 will be away from me for a whole week (rather than five nights if I were to go along to drop her off). Was it wrong to defer?
I'm still really looking forward to being done with the divorce process. I mean, I don't see us reconciling prior to divorce and knowing that someone hates me and is operating from such a negative position is grating. Is this normal? Or is it me mentally giving up?
crd - My W took my kids to the ILs for a week right after the BD. We had the same discussion, and decided (mutually) that I would not go. Perhaps you could negotiate some 1:1 time with D3 in return before the end of summer? Or ask to do a daily video chat (or whatever frequency you prefer) with her while she is at ILs?
For text blow-ups, I am learning on the fly also. Our MC says: "Who will be where at what time?" That's all you need to text. Now... it works best if you both are on board. Anytime she flips out, I would suggest calling her out on it, or just drawing a boundary that you will not keep responding to accusations or mind-reading. Also, general advice, don't try to change agreed-upon plans, even if it seems easy. My W wanted to take D5 to a party last weekend, I should have said no, but once I said yes, I was not going to renegotiate. I gritted my teeth and let it lie.
I am also engaging in some of the "playing family" stuff like you - I think it's really up to you how to handle it. We may do some family dinners here and there, but I'm gradually disengaging. I just don't see the point, it's way more enjoyable when I'm alone with my kids right now.
I also have wanted a lot of details documented, but I have learned to relent. It depends how toxic things are - I trust my W in certain areas and not others. I think giving her the leeway is a positive, but it isn't easy to do. As things are falling into place now a little bit, it seems to help that I have not been too legal. Again, I'm only in trial separation though.
Your sentiments about wanting to complete the process sound normal to me. Even in S I feel exactly the same way. It's fundamental: I don't want to be with somebody who does not value me (or only values me as a friend or a co-parent). That is completely natural and healthy. It's almost like the tables have turned. Yes, I have a lot I regret and a lot I want to atone for. I need to be given an open door and an opportunity - if the door is shut, I'll pack up my bag of "lessons learned" and keep walking. If you honestly and genuinely own your mistakes and have made positive changes, there's not much else you can do. I've made a lot of positive changes, and I am open to having honest conversations about how I see things, but only if she is wiling to have that conversation.
The vilification and anger from your W probably does help. In my sitch, I hope my W does find the healing she seeks, whether or not I am her H or not. Because she does seem broken and angry around me so removing myself from the equation seems healthy for all involved.
Every single person on this planet has a breaking point where they will no longer keep trying to "save" something - some people can wait longer and things do work out, or some situations don't take as long to turn around and don't test one's patience. I don't know. Maybe it is the brain's natural response to "give up" once it reaches peak exhaustion, whether or not a situation is truly salvageable. All I know is life is short, we are all imperfect, and this isn't an endurance competition.
Final comment - the physical S is going to do you some good. Your W is super angry and wants to move out. Let her go. It can only help you - not just for your relationship with her, but your own healing and moving on. I sense maybe you are still attached more to family life than your W specifically - I do miss interacting with my W's family, and some friends that are basically her old friends, but that is life for now. It's probably my new reality. Time to meet some new friends.
