You'll get a lot of good advice here from people who have a lot of experience. The thing to keep in mind is that everyone's situations are slightly different - but the overwhelming majority of things that take place in everyone's relationships are very common.
Take time to breathe every day. Are you interested in meditating? It has helped me calm down greatly and it has eased my anxiety. I also have PTSD from my childhood and from the military. It has been significantly reduced by meditating. It is hard to do at first, but you will notice its effects after a week or so.
Also - if you find yourself starting to feel emotional around your W - remove yourself from her vicinity and get emotional somewhere you can be alone. This takes some getting used to but it is a good habit to develop and it will save you the indignity of seeing your W get disgusted with your feelings.
Realize that she is not having the same feelings as you. In her mind there is no R anymore - she has moved on already. This is hard to accept and it will take some time, but the sooner you can accept it the better you will feel.
Your emotions will be on a rollercoaster for a while. Controlling them is a struggle but it can be done. This takes time. Be patient with yourself and take care of yourself.
I see you are in IC - that's a good thing. Keep going. It will help you greatly.
If there are any questions you have feel free to ask. These are really great people here who want to help you.
Take care and stay strong!
Originally Posted by Leo22
Thanks Ironwill. Before I signed up for the forum, I was reading it daily and always find myself scrolling to those success stories because it is what I want - deep down I know I have to focus on my daughter and myself. The first week, there was just a lot of tears, begging, pleading and reassurance - all the stuff I wasn't supposed to do. I know I can't change the way she feels about me at the moment but I can change myself. That is what I read ALOT.
Yes - there are a lot of things that will help you here. The first thing that is the hardest is detachment. I would call it loving detachment - because you are choosing to let your W live how she wants to live without any expectations from you. You are letting her work through her own problems without getting involved emotionally. It's also to protect you - to help keep you grounded in a sea of chaos. Cadet's welcome thread goes over it better than I can explain it here.
Another thing that is very important is to extend your timeline. A lot. If you are thinking in days or weeks, think months or even possibly years before things may (perhaps) start to come around. I've been in my sit for 11 months now, others have been for much longer than myself.
At some point you will get to the place where you realize that you don't NEED your W around, but you would LIKE it if she would choose to be with you. you might change and do everything possible to be a better person and she might still walk. We can't conrol other people's behavior. All we can do is be the best that we possibly can and hope they see it.
Originally Posted by Leo22
I have a neighbor who she told last week about my sitch. They finally talked to me yesterday when W wasn't home because I was walking my dogs to keep busy and they were sitting on the porch. They talked to me for about a good hour. They are both older couple, retired. But it is good to know that they don't approve my W behavior. When W told them about it, my neighbors ask for her to try and work it out, give him another chance - tried to talk some sense into her. They said she was stone cold, a confident "No, I'm done with him." But just having them talk to me about it and telling me what she is doing is wrong felt good. They also let me know they have a spare bedroom if I ever needed it.
It's good they offered you a place to stay - that's peace of mind. Just don't expect them to change her mind. For right now that's how she is thinking.
Quote
I think I can take on meditating. It seems calming and peaceful. I am willing to do anything that will keep my mind busy. I try my hardest to realize that she is not having the same feelings as I am but I am still in a bit of denial and it comes and bite me in my rear hard.
Don't worry if you "mess up". It takes a bit to get used to this weird world of counterintuition. But you'll get the hang of it. It takes a loooooooooooooot of patience.
Quote
I've been going to IC for a couple years now for treatment from the military. It helps out a lot to have a lending ear and vent out everything. Probably because I am also on medication.
Thanks for the words of encouragement!
Yeah IC has helped me a lot with the PTSD. I needed it a long time ago but better late than never.
