Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2

[crdcheck]

crd - Simplify. What are the things you do care about? Focus on those. The rest, as stressful as it may be, I suggest you let slide, or you will get in daily battles.

Yep, that's what I've been doing, much like most of our relationship (pick battles). One of my worries is that giving in on one leads to the next, to the next and so on. For example, her rush to move out was enabled by my allowing the house to be put on the market before we had property/finance split approach on paper with mediator. That allowed her to see a light at the end of the tunnel that she is accelerating toward.

Regarding the work item, what do you want to do? Ignore what your W wants to do. Then discuss in mediation as it does affect both of you, and I think it is wise to try to come to agreement.

I am doing what I want to do and what I think is reasonable - we are married right now, everyone knows both of us, and saying anything else invites conversation that I assume she'd rather not have. I mean, it will be easy to say "yes, I know W - we actually split up recently" and then move on. But we haven't yet...

Why do you think you would need to go to litigation? Do you suspect she will sign a lease without your approval, even though you discussed agreeing to this item in mediation? If that is the main sticking point, make it clear to your W now that you expect you will work this out in mediation before she takes any action, but also that you are hopeful you can come to agreement on something that will work for everyone (i.e., you don't need to make it sound like a threat, just a "hey, I'm not okay if you just sign a lease.). Also consider what is your proposal, and at what point you are willing to compromise. Art of negotiating.

Yep, done. I think that she signed anyway. I'm keeping an eye on the checking account. Thing is that she's vilified me, there's nothing I can do that is positive in her mind, and because of my cheating everything she does is justified in her mind. So I'm left with the nuclear option of litigation (if it comes to that).

On a positive note, seeing how anti-me she is helps me to detach. I recognize that she's hurt and angry and that this could change, but I can't reconcile with the person she is right now. Perhaps she'll see my changes after the D and will open her mind a bit but there's literally nothing I can do at this point. And for what it's worth, I'm pretty sure that there was nothing I could have done over the past six months - perhaps if I had stood up (GAL, been assertive) that would have prompted deeper conversations with our MC but that's still a stretch.

Also I would advise not getting into text message conversations on this item. Text messaging is absolutely the worst form of communication. Texts can be misinterpreted in so many ways, and they often are emotion-driven. If she starts a text thread on this topic, just reply, "I would like to discuss this next week in mediation and not over text." I've been in a few text battles the last few weeks, I started replying in this way, and my W stopped. I will use e-mail sometimes as I feel like there is time to reply and be thorough and specific. Now we only text pictures of the kids, and basic logistic information.

Texts have been hit or miss, they keep us from getting too wordy but still allow for some thought. They are also the only option when D3 is in the picture.

Having said that, W blew up on me via text on Friday because, when I picked D3 up from summer camp, she wanted to go to her cousins, so I called W to see if that was ok. She didn't pick up so I texted. We had to go home to walk the dog and W went ballistic. She had planned to be late because she was meeting with the painter at her new apartment but that canceled, apparently. I figured I would have 30 min with the cousins and then head home. W wanted to do a movie night with D3 and me and, even though I repeatedly offered to cancel the cousins plans, she just kept flipping out on me. Totally ridiculous but allowed others (who are listening to her complain about me) see that she's not being completely logical or honest with them. FWIW I did try to call rather than text but she refused.

Do you have a good custody plan in place?

We've drafted one with the mediator and are mostly aligned except for one holiday. However, it's not in place yet. That's one of the reasons I don't want leases signed, people moving out, etc., until we meet with the mediator - we have both made assumptions and, without them having been talked through and put on paper, we have a huge risk of being misaligned.

So, the weekend went pretty well, despite the fireworks Fri evening (re: cousin time - W locked herself in the guest room once D3 was in bed). Worked out Sat morning while W took D3 to dance, I took D3 to swim lessons in the afternoon and W tagged along, and then I had solo time with D3 at the pool until the evening when I went out with some friends. Pre-GALing I would have probably tagged along for the dance lesson (not necessary to have two parents but I would have felt guilty about letting W do it by herself) so no workout, definitely wouldn't have gone out with the friends because I'd be worried about what W would be thinking. Yesterday W took D3 to a friend's house to play then to the pool. I went out for lunch with my brother's family and in-laws, then open houses (found a really great option - D3 would get an entire floor to herself!), then met with a college alumnus who is divorced and remarried for his perspective. Had bro and his wife over for dinner after that. So, out doing what I want to do, nothing I shouldn't be doing.

W seems super cold in general, playing on phone, maybe annoyed that bro was talking about the houses we toured. Again, 1-2 months ago I'd be freaking out about how she's feeling, if I've upset her, if she's looking up lawyers on her phone. Now, well, I am still a bit scared, and I am still a bit sad because I see this as so repairable, but I'm not letting it run my life.

Last item (and could use feedback on this) - D3 doesn't have summer camp for three weeks starting next week so W's family a few hours away is watching her for the first week. We normally go altogether and W asked me what I wanted to do. Given that it's her family I told her that if she wanted me to go, I would go, and if she wants to go solo, then she is welcome to do so. She decided to go solo. I'm sad because this is a family thing and, as someone who enjoys serving others, I enjoyed serving my family by doing the [boring] drive. I'm also a bit sad since D3 will be away from me for a whole week (rather than five nights if I were to go along to drop her off). Was it wrong to defer?

I'm still really looking forward to being done with the divorce process. I mean, I don't see us reconciling prior to divorce and knowing that someone hates me and is operating from such a negative position is grating. Is this normal? Or is it me mentally giving up?