Persistent Endurance (Part 5)

[curtis7]

Better late than never and knowing that I didn’t give her a direct choice. I don’t see how it could backfire, I’ve already lost her and she’s cheating, I feel I’m already living the worst ending. How much worse can it get?

So how does this command respect?

Steve, great question. This depends on what I include in my confrontation script, i.e. if I expose knowledge of her continued A’s which she believes have been kept secret from me. Yes, I may have waited too long. My love for her made me delusional. I accepted her bad choices and hoped she would wake up and exit the fog on her own and within my timeline.

This shows that I’m a man that respects himself to no longer be part of MR that involves a third party. Even if I’m no longer important to her, I’m important to myself, I’m moving forward, and I don’t need her to live a wonderful life.

curtis, first, why wouldn't you file for D?

Reflecting on the big picture of my sitch, I feel that simply filing for D is weak. It gives the impression that I just gave up on my fight and stand with a meek exit. I want to regain some respect and let her know why I have decided to take the action of filing. It’s as much for me as it is her and I don’t want to go out like a whimpering dog with his tail between his legs.

Your S8 asked you not to quit. Hmmm. What if he asked you to drink poison? Would you do it? Or would you explain to him how detrimental that would be? Now I am not saying to tell your S8 how bad his mom is. But sitting him down to explain that your life has to move on and he will understand one day would be the better approach.

Parents make many personal sacrifices for their children. My kids gave me much of the strength I needed to standby this long. I do want to do right in his eyes; however, I agree he’ll understand when I decide to take action. He has seen the turmoil I’ve been through and how hard I’ve fought and changed to become the best version of myself, AMOAFWL.

Because you have hopes and dreams of what a happy future with your family could be IF she ended her affairs and wanted to R? And she couldn't do that after you file for D? During the D? After the D? That isn't an excuse.

Sure, we could R after filing or during the D. I’m not so sure about after D. I place such high value on commitment and the sanctity of MR and once that ends I don’t know if I could find the forgiveness to R.

Further, you don't want to R with HER, at least as she is now, you have a romantic delusion of HER as she used to be. sandi says "the girl you married is gone!" You have to assume she is never coming back. Even if this multiple cheating version wanted to R, could you trust that it was because she was her old self again? Or because she likes having her horses (cake) there??

You’re right, not with who she is now. Trust would take a LONG time to rebuild. She would have to show genuine change through consistent actions for me to see that the girl I married had returned.

You are at a crossroads only because you are stalling. You know what to do. You need to move on. I do not advocate most LBSs filing for D because that is doing the WAS's dirty work. But you are not in the same sitch as most. I'd think about it.

I know that you are more pro-MR than most on here and advocate earning your way out of the MR. I must have really portrayed my WW to be a monster in this sitch. Of course, cheating with multiple partners and ripping a family apart while cake eating the entire time is not the typical sitch. When you are in the thick of it, it’s not always easy to see reality from the inside and it’s helpful to read and hear the assessment of observers.

Final thought. We teach people how to treat us. And our kids learn from us. What are your S & D learning by the way you are handling your sitch?

Well, from me they are learning that you don’t cut and run when the going gets tough. They are learning the meaning of commitment, love, and forgiveness. They are learning that you do everything in your power to stand for what you believe in. They will also learn that once you’ve given all you could, it’s okay to move on. You can’t control others and respect that they are free to make their own choices. We will emerge as better people regardless of the outcome.

You are a role model for your children.

You need to stand for yourself and get your respect back Curtis. Be proud of what you have done. You keep that fight. But you need to move on. Value yourself as your children value you.

Nef, thanks for the encouragement. I am proud of my journey. While I never would wish this upon anyone, I have grown so much as a man and a husband. I’ll probably never fully understand women, but I have discovered my shortcomings and learned what it takes to have a healthy relationship. I am a better father and have grown closer to God. All of these things make me appreciate that I went through this life changing situation...and I haven’t lost all hope that my MR could be stronger than ever if we were to R.