Now what?

[BarbH]

Hi All: Sorry this is long! Been following this board for a few weeks now, and have bought and devoured "Divorce Remedy". Like most here, my story is written from a similar script. Husband and I met when we were early 20's, married when he was 35/me 32. It's our silver anniversary this year. Husband has incredible fear of his mortality-always has, probably due to his mother passing when he was 23, father when he was 28. (Dad was 58yrs). Anyway, we've had our rough spots-I've suggested counselling in the past-which he has not wanted to do. 6 yrs ago I had stage 2 breast cancer, resulting in bilateral mastectomy/chemo/radiation/recon the works. Also dealing with mother with advanced dementia (she passed this June), and my father with mild, now probably mod dementia. In retrospect, I was also dealing with undiagnosed PTSD/depression while working full time +OT to pay bills (12 hrs shifts, health care). No sex life since Ca diagnosis, little emotional support last 2 years. He Ignored me while my mother was dying, then cried like a baby.

I didn't realize it at the time, due to my issues, but husband was withdrawing. I think he's MLC-once he hit 55 I started joking about senior's discounts and he refused to ask for them "I'm not telling anyone I'm old". At 58, he started telling everyone (except me) that he was retiring at 60. Our adviser said 62. I finally said he needs to talk to me about it, and he totally shut right down. End result-this June I said "I've talked to our adviser, and it's doable-but for us to be happy in retirement I think we need help with our relationship!" "Nope, we're beyond talking". So here we go:

BD#1 June 4.
Mother dies: June 8
I discover EA with work "friend"-he's messenging her. making flirty comments, she's not biting back with same.
June 14: He come home crying, "friendship just got crazy, he's sorry, he loves me forever blah blah blah".
June 19: Had first counselling session booked, he cancels out 1 hr before-I get the ILYBINILWY speech.
(I'm calling the BD #2)
I do the usual, cry, etc. End up at sister-in-laws, my counsellor suggests a letter-I write one and leave it for him "It's beautiful, I'm keeping it (and it is in his jewellery box), texts me hearts).
Things continue to deteriorate, he stops saying he loves me. I say," You know I do, but I will stop saying it."
July 4: Start LRT...detaching....light conversation.

So here we are. I think he's more detached than I am! But I'm trying. No relationship discussions, but we are sorting out a remortgage to clear consumer debt. We live rurally on acreage with animals. He tells me

1. He doesn't want to sell the house, I should stay in it for a year and he will pay 1/2 mortgage.
2. He says he's 50/50 re attempting reconciliation-will let me know if that changes. Not seeing any effort on his part, in fact I think I'm Plan B at this point if "WF" situation doesn't pan out.
3. We both work shifts-he wants to come home on his days off to tend to chores. When working he's currently staying with his sister. (who has been an awesome support to me).
4. Here it is: "work friend" and I have a mutual acquaintance. WF has a boyfriend, but my H is infatuated with her. Mutual friend says WF even says "he's infatuated" Says they are "friends" but is going shooting at the range etc with her. WF still not helpful as encouraging him to leave marriage, and he, at least, is in an EA.
5. Joined gym, working out, wants to buy sports car/mountain bike/get personal trainer. Thinks gym is "target rich environment" according to a friend.
6. When we talk about inconsequential things, eyes are darting all over the place, looking for escape.

I know, detach, be the lighthouse. My read on this is MLC/Fear of death. I'm still willing to attempt R, but having serious bouts of anger. Our conversations are so light, I can't even validate his feelings as they are unexpressed. When he does things (ie filled the horse trough because he noticed it was down) I thank him. When he tells me what his plans are re: coming home or staying at sister's I tell him I appreciate him letting me know where he'll be. That's about all I've got. I feel he's running as fast as he can away from me, and yet wants to come home on days off, keep the house, etc....Mixed messages fast and furious, but daily he is getting more distant.

What the heck is going on?! What can I do?

Just thanks for having this board, somewhere I can write other than my journal, or my friends who think I should just be done. Can't turn my back on the man he used to be. I accept this marriage is over, but I don't want the relationship to be.