ok so now you know..you dont have to guess This is the usual progression in MLC..Not your fault
They pick woman they can rescue and save-and she sounds like a good candidate with a small baby
rarely do their affairs work out..they may stay together, but they are miserable he will not find the utopia he desires with her ,once the hormones and chemicals fade
I agree with Westo..I would try to say nothing and allow the transition of him out of the house without too much chaos..especially for the kids
Its hard to know what will happen and we are all guessing because we dont know him or your true situation We are going by our experience with our MLCers and the experience of reading the boards and seeing the majority of outcomes
Some may return or try to but it is rare, and many of the ones who do return have years of issues to work things out while piecing
give yourself some time to grieve and heal.. You will know more of what is really best after you heal a bit
I would get to a lawyer asap to learn your rights in this situation
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
(((Kirsty))). Finding out about the OW really, really hurts... I know. But...at least you know what you are dealing with now. Nothing you can say or do will bring him back to you right now. He is fully under the spell of all of those infatuation hormones and thinks he is doing the right thing. As others have advised... now is the time for you to pick yourself up and double down on GAL activities and the LRT... not to get him back necessarily...but to get you back and to show your kids what a strong, high value woman does in a situation like this. Detach, detach, detach... I know how hard it is but there really is no other way. Do the work you need to do. You will be very glad you did in the end...whether you rebuild marriage 2.0 or D. My mantra throughout my entire sitch...and I still repeat it to myself sometimes when I start to entertain fantasies of my STBXH getting hit by the karma bus... choose better not bitter. (((HUGS)))
Thanks everyone. He is following me round the house asking if I want to talk. This then results with me saying horrible things which I need to zip it. Maybe I should just listen.
He’s driving me crazy. Shall I go? Do you want me to go now? In response I just say just let me know your plans.
And she does seem to be a needy one in need of rescuing. That is correct!
Is the baby his by any chance? I'm assuming not since he just started showing signs in May but did you ask?
Quote
He’s driving me crazy. Shall I go? Do you want me to go now? In response I just say just let me know your plans.
Good answer. Let him be responsible for making the choice so he can't claim later you kicked him out.
I can't imagine that living with a woman with two small children that aren't his own is going to work out very well, and he might come running back. But take your time and really think about whether taking him back in the future would be to your benefit or not. Sounds to me like he was a mess long before this current crisis.
Try to take the emotions out of it in the sense that she is a band-aid. No whole, decent, self respecting woman would date a married man. She is broken and that’s why they are attracting each other. It’s a house of cards. Think of their “story” and how they met?!?! You can’t perfume or that.
He may start to pick fights to find a reason to blame you and make himself feel less guilty.
Hold your head up high, square your shoulders, protect yourself financially and via a lawyer and know that you are the prize.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi no baby not his, it’s 2 years old but I thought looked younger on pictures. His patience is tested to the max with his own let alone someone else’s.
He does have a lot of issues and he seems to think our kids will be fine. In the messages he spoke of how he couldn’t wait to join her kids and mine together to start the best new family and even suggested her meeting them while he was on a day out at the beginning of July. Before I knew of her and the kids know anything about anything! This never happened but this made me feel sick more than any of the other PA texts.
I don’t want them near her. They will need stability.
All the messages are also either regarding the PA or about me/her H which made me actually laugh. No real conversation going on.
Thanks as always to all of you for all the advice. I re read it all over and over to keep me sane
If she's currently married and living with her H, you might consider clueing him in. This is fraught with issues - your H will hate you for it, he might be a bad man who would endanger the affair partner or her children etc. But on the other hand - I FIRMLY believe everyone has the right to know when their partner is cheating on them. If he doesn't know he deserves to be told.
Not sure why he is following you around. maybe he is looking for a reaction or he is confused that you are being patient/or your new behavior maybe he is waiting for you to beg him to stay or wanting a fight cause he knows its a mistake-
Once he actually leaves, you can ask him to see the kids at your home only or take them alone that they need time to heal and adjust
when you see a lawyer, he can also advise on his parental rights and the ow
hang in In my opinion,this is the toughest time of the crises..when they leave and we become aware of the truth and the affair- it gets better from here as we heal and find support and continue to gain strength
remember, most to all the LBS get through this and become a better person and with many many blessings
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
It sounds strange, but at least you know now. The uncertainty is gone, even if it is not what you were hoping. From personal experience, following you around is trying to see how you react. If you explode, it will convince him he is on the right path. If you are silent and practice DB, he will be left to deal with this all on his own--something he does not want to do. The path of least resistance is to place the blame on you, so don't give him the chance. Regarding the other family....the MLC'er is in fantasy land and thinks the grass is greener. They are convinced their decisions are correct and nobody can inject the truth into the situation.
It is now time for you to pick yourself up and be the best person you can be.
My advice: -do not engage in emotional conversations. The hangover is too painful and it achieves nothing -focus on you and your children and be the best parent you can be. Do anything in your power to shield them from living a life with a father making these decisions -Lawyer up and gather any important documents you can (birth certificates, loans, banking, credit cards, etc) and make copies. -Do for yourself and give him zero pity. He is out for himself and his wild fantasies only. You will become a better person regardless of the outcome.
You will get through this and will eventually be OK. Like most of us LBS here, I am a year out from BD and am thriving. I never thought I would be here. The folks here are absolutely a godsend so please keep contact here.
