Awesome post. Well thought out and of course really good living.
Good for you, planning on seeing your lawyer and getting some further answers and options.
I have nothing specific as such. Just find out the worst case scenario, the best case scenario, what you could fight for and most likely win, what you could fight for and most likely lose. Discuss custody and see if sole custody is possible and what it would take to achieve. See what is the legal default for custody and spitting of assets. All just information. Then you can make informed decision on what you want to do. What you are willing to negotiate away and what you are willing to die for.
Remain intellectual with the business deal gone bad mindset and you will make better decisions. Once home and safe you can allow the emotions to flood back and process and accept them.
Generally speaking I believe a better settlement is reached outside of the courts. One can waive certain rights or their portion for something else they want instead. That may sound a little inelegant, yet that is pretty much what this is about - kids and money. And I’ve seen and read many MLCers who have given up custody for money.
When H is offering a settlement, let him (well his L) do most of the talking. If he comes up with, or feels he came up with something, it is much more likely to remain as opposed to something you want or propose. Remember you have time on your side, most MLCers feel trapped and want to get things over and done, and get on with their new wonderful life.
That is exactly what my XW did. In her hurry, she threw away everything to rush to OM’s arms and the empty promise of affair provided happiness. Now, I wasn’t anywhere near as stable or clearheaded as you are right now. I was very lucky with her rushing though her settlement offer and I had enough sense (and friends and family) to know that was a really good deal, so I accepted. Be open to possibilities, a good deal may be put on the table. Remember - business deal thinking. I know just how icky this all feels. In time, you will see it just as what it is.
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To start peeling back the layers. Like our individual journeys, each person steps through differently. However there are a few general first things that need to happen:
Identification of fears need to be one of the first things, cannot find acceptance of something if you don’t even know what you’re working on. Identification - Check.
Acknowledgement that you have fears. Acknowledgement - Check.
Look at you, two steps are ready completed.
Asking where do I start. What are my first steps. Showing a willingness, a desire, and committing yourself to actually doing this. That might just be the most critical first step. Commitment - Check.
To peel back the layers - follow the sting, follow the pain, follow the fear.
We all have a trail within ourselves we could follow. Layers of our lives covering irrational insecurities and fears. Layers of materialistic items, relationships, and other distractions keeping fear at bay. We don’t often walk towards what hurts or fears us. Do that. Follow your trail to your fear.
As you journey through your fear, rationalize what you find and feel. See it for what it is. Let it go.
As LBS, there is a fantastic opportunity for growth and betterment. Our lives are upside down, and torn apart. Layers ripped open, and the deep core of one’s self exposed. Strange feelings and emotional responses seem to run amok. We, of course, will put our self back together. Look at the pieces, keep what you like, change what you don’t. Fears, like everything else, are exposed more than at any other time in your life - take advantage of the opportunity to heal really well.
Grace, believe that you will, in the very best sense of the word, be fearless.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
