Am I doing this right??

[Goddess8]

Hey Blu! Always solid advice and very much appreciated. I have read and reread your post and also the entire piecing thread. I had looked for something on here but couldnt seem to find it. I knew there had to be somerhing on piecing. Is there anything more in depth on how to handle reconciliation? I understant its all about patience. I can also see how easy it is to get impatient. As the LBS we've been working on ourselves (hopefully) and standing for months if not way longer. Its so easy to want to push things along.

I am begining to come to the conclusion that I naturally have more empathy for others than most. I am more introspective and self aware than most. I hope those traits work to my benefit and not detriment. Yes he cheated and it's horrible. And I will never minimize the impact of an affair. I am dealing with triggers daily( I'll come back to that). But I also think that as an LBS that chose to stand we have made the decision to forgive our spouse. At least that's how I see it. We KNOW they are having or have had an affair. Therefore we know there is going to have to be forgiveness in our hearts and minds toward them. That is for us more than them. So we can let go. They have a ton of work to do on themselves and so do we. We all have choices to make. I am chosing to forgive and start purging my anger and resentments. I don't like feeling ugly and torn up inside. I know I have to give myself time. Don't try to deflect and minimize what I feel. Face it head on and feel things and process it fully. Then accpet I felt that way and let it go. Maybe it seems I am oversimplifying things. I'm just long since ready to be done being angry.

Back to being triggered... I found out from S15 last night while talking about H revelations to them that S15 has meet OW. Its been nearly 2 months back. She came over to the apt while son was visiting H. She was introduced as a friend and son didnt think anything of it. Bless his trusting naive heart. I was so ANGRY at H for having the audacity to bring her around one of our kids. I told him from the git go that was a big no no. But after processing I realized two things...A) I have no idea the context of how she came over. Did she show up unannounced and H didnt want to make a seen? Did she manipulate H into being allowed over? The point is I have no idea. Which leads into...B) As much as it pisses me off I was almost 2 months ago. To H it's long since gone. Sunday's epiphanies are recent and fresh. But me learning about something after the fact triggered great feelings of anger and betrayal. I cried I raged I ranted. I purged. Now today I feel annoyance. But going to him with this would I feel not help. Like in Sandi's piecing thread the S seems to see the whole situation as one big fubar session. While the LBS does seem to feel things like the death of 1000 cuts. We feel things differently because we experience things differently.

I know there is a lot of feelings and opinions about rings. I had put my rings back on prior to talking to him Sunday night. I was wearing them while talking to him and he didnt know. My rings are about me. My commitment to my marriage. My symbol of hope and love. Minus for the occasional cleaning I have never taken them off in 17 years. I was able to wear them throughout all three pregnancies. Due to his job he's spent more time without them than with them. Obviously me taking mine off affected him a lot. As much as it svcks and I have to remind myself; he has to process his feelings for the OW. He might have come to realize he never stopped loving me and loves me more than anyone and doesnt want a divorce but like it gets said all over...breaking up is hard. Limerant feelings dont just disappear. But I do believe because he moved out and left and they've had to deal with reality together its a different dynamic than if it had remained an emotional fantasy affair. Not trying to mind read him or the situation just trying to put together what I read here and other sites.