She met him at a housewarming party. They began messaging and then sexting after that. I know whilst I was on a fishing trip with the boys she basically put it on a plate for him and he stood her up (I saw the messages before and after). After that, we had our tete-a-tete and she said she regretted it, been stupid etc. However, I know she has met up with him since (she claims just as friends and her messages to him confirmed that, she made it clear to him nothing would happen that day) but after that he went quiet on her again and she’s now said she’s realised he only wanted one thing so she’s not messaging him. Like I said, I saw messages between them that corroborated her story but I can’t do that anymore so I can’t be sure what’s being said between them if anything. I have another fishing trip with the boys later this month and I do worry what will happen when my back is turned but I guess there’s nothing I can do to stop her if she wants to.
It really angers me that women seem to believe they can have inappropriate contact with another guy and then try to pass it off to their H that they are "just friends" afterwards. This is not acceptable, and the H should make it clear that there will be no future contact or the M is over.
Before my EA, I was contacting guys on line (long story). I never met up with anyone in person. They wanted to, but I would make up some excuse that I couldn't get away. It wasn't long before I had a long list of guys I would "chat" with every night. In a short time, this led to an EA with OM. It was the thrill I had not felt in a very long time, and it was intoxicating. It embarrasses me like you couldn't believe to even type these words out. I know how it affected me and my M, and I was a very straight-laced type of woman who previously would had looked down on anyone who participated in such behavior. So, yes, I was one of those women who "was not the type to get involved with OM". Enough time and under the right circumstances, I think any woman who has unfilled emotional needs can become vulnerable to some other guy's sweet words & attention. Once she crosses that line, it gets easier to do other things.
The first time my H found my messaging, he confronted me. I couldn't even look at him, and I cried. He told me to delete all the contacts, and I did. You would have thought I was cutting off my right arm when I was deleting those contacts. My nice-guy H was sweet and did not come down on me hard, as he should have. The second time he discovered my messaging to OM, I saw a side of my H I had never seen before, and he wasn't sweet about any of it! He was furious, but he did not tell me to leave or that he would D me. If he would have told me he was dumping me, b/c he deserved a wife who gave him the love he needed.........I honestly believe it would have jerked my head out of my a$$ into the reality I had caused. But, that didn't happen and I continued the EA.
Didn't have all the apps that's available today, but I got a burner phone and took the EA deeper under ground, and my H & I had no connection. We just existed under the same roof. We never said we were separated or anything. We had not slept together in years, so we just avoided each other. We tried to go on with our lives, but I was living a double life with my EA. I was preparing to leave and get an apartment, which I saw as a step toward moving in with OM later. I went as far as to tell one of my adult kids that their dad & I was having problems. My plan was to ease OM into the lives of my family, and thought they would eventually accept him. But, I was in for a shock. One of my other kids had accidentally discovered OM & my messaging on the computer. WW's can be in such a thick fog, they do stupid things.......like, forgetting to close out the screen, delete computer history, etc. Plus, while my adult daughter was on my home computer, OM thought it was me and his message popped up on the screen! Now, how stupid is that? Anyway, my daughter confronted me........and I knew I was busted. My fantasy crumbled. I found the DB board, and had wonderful mentors that gave me solid information about how affairs (or any type of inappropriate activity of that nature) are addictive. I knew in the bottom of my heart that I did not love this OM, but I wanted to feel that excitement. It was hard to let go.
I had a ton of negative feelings about my MR, and was not ready to commit to it. Finally, one of my mentors had me to just focus on ending all contact with OM. She explained what I could expect. There was something said that really hit hard. She asked if I could just do the right thing. I was raised to do the right thing, so her question pierced my heart. She pretty much held my hand as I focused, not on my M, but just ending my EA. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and it embarrasses me to admit that b/c, I've had some tough experiences in my life. You see, the whole EA had fueled my ego......which was starving, so I didn't want to give up the source of that emotional high. I felt as if I had cut my life line. Yeah, I know I am sounding dramatic, but it felt pretty drastic while going through it. It took me months to get through the withdrawals. I was so depressed and had no energy, no interest in my home/family or M, and my future felt so empty & hopeless. I don't know where I would be today if it had not been for the information I received from the board at that point in my life. That's why I'm still here today, trying to help newcomers as they struggle with their own WW's. BTW, my H & I are still together. Piecing was hard, and I had a lot of work to do on my heart, but when my heart got right then I was finally able to do the work my H needed to see me put forth in our relationship.
My H changed after that period in our lives. He is no longer the H with NGS, at least not in his relationship with me. Anyone can change for the better, if they really want it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
