Fine tuning my inner Me

[Grace21]

I realized yesterday that I have so many people in my life that I can call on at a moments notice if I need support. People are reaching out to me, or readily accepting my invitations, to get to know me better. The kids and I are closer than ever. I am thankful I used this time separated from H to develop those relationships. That’s what life is all about anyway, isn’t it?

I’m also thankful I found this forum. It’s been a lifeline.

I know ultimately I will be o.k. I just need to tighten my seatbelt for the upcoming rocky ride, endure it, and reach the other side.

First step. See lawyer on Tuesday. She was kind enough to let me pay by the hour until such a time I (or H) files. I also get a 25% discount because it was a referral through a program at work. Well, it came out of our joint account anyway. Let H pay for it.

An email to find out about H’s potential loan. Glad you’re seeing a lawyer soon, you need to firm up the financial protection. The mindset of business deal gone bad, as suggested by HaWho, is a very good one.

This is exactly how I am approaching it. Protect me and the kids. This is probably my biggest fear right now, because he can pull his paycheck from our joint account at any time, and I am waiting anxiously for next weekend to see if that was done. I will then be at his mercy to give me enough to pay all the bills until we agree on alimony and are D. I am going to look at where the money goes to see how short I will be on just the basics using only my salary. I don’t want to ask my parents for help, but I know they will if I do. We’ll see how the numbers come out.

Yep, pretty sure H feels cornered. Please stop pushing. Desperate people do desperate things, and you are still tied up with assets, kids, money, etc...

Yes. I (almost) regret that last phone call, but I don’t think it changed anything in his mind. He felt cornered before that. But, I have vowed to not initiate contact at all and see how this plays out. He will be seeing D19 for her birthday on Friday, and S21 asked H to join us for a birthday dinner at a locally famous place in early August (my kids have the same birthday). He already agreed to that, so we will see what happens. 2 months ago I made reservations for 4 with no expectations. I have absolutely no problem dining without H. It would probably be a nicer time anyway.

H tells you he is unsure and still hasn’t decided what to do. Yet seeks information for a loan and is considering buying a place with OW. All in secret.

Believe me, this did not go unnoticed by me. He never once in 10 months said anything about trying to work it out. Only a few vague references to selling everything, moving away and starting over (sometimes in reference to himself, sometimes he included me). This is the most telling of all I think. At this time, he can’t, or won’t, make even the first step in facing himself much less our M.

And all the lies are getting tiresome.

Protect you and the kids. Focus on you and the kids. Remain detached and find indifference. Decide what you want for you and the kids. Leave H to his confusion.

Mama bear is definitely in protection mode now. It almost feels good to prepare for my appointment with the lawyer. I’m a bit worried about the kids being away at school before this really plays out. I will see what the next 3 weeks brings, and probably have the convo with them before they go back so they have time to process and discuss as much as they want face to face.

Consider each and dig to see what is tied to your irrational fear. It is usually a few layers deep/removed from the obvious and always ties back to you or affects you. For example fear regarding kids, ends up being something to do with you.

Grace, feel free to ask me or tell me anything you like. Nothing to fear from me.

Here’s a question for you DnJ. What is the first step in peeling back the layers? Time, action and relinquishing control seem to calm my anxiousness, but maybe it just stifles it temporarily and that’s why it continues to rear it’s ugly head.

And for anyone who wants to weigh in, if you have suggestions for specific questions to ask my lawyer, please send them my way.