Honestly I don't know, I don't want to get worked up about it. She is wayward, her mind is all over the place. And the EA is a completely unrealistic fantasy. True or mit it changes nothing.
My reason for asking if she's still in contact with OM, is due to its addictive nature.
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We had an agreement where I cook on weekends. Sometimes she breaks that plan to do something she likes. Then will turn around and say I'm not honouring my agreement. She's about to do it tomorrow. I plan let her cook if she wants but if she later says I've dropped the ball, I'll bloody remind her that this reaction is manipulative.
Yep! That's what a man should do when his W tries to pull this mess. Call her out on it, and use a firm voice. Get up from the table and leave the house, but don't pretend she didn't say anything. The more you choose to "overlook" this behavior, the more she'll do it. I think if she said something about me not honoring my agreement, I'd have to say, "Maybe I don't understand. Why don't you explain honoring agreements?" Then let her hang herself when she starts talking about doing what one promises or agrees. She may not even make the connection with her own promises to love and honor. WW's are usually so full of themselves they don't see the irony of their own words.
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What I'm saying is that housework is split and her nature is just to complaim no matter what I do.
Did she act this way before you married her? It is an unattractive attitude and very negative habit. I think you might be just too nice, and let her get away with it. You try to pick up the slack and do whatever to make her happy, but she doesn't stop with the complaining. Have you ever imitated her? Let her see what it's like to live with a chronic complainer. Beat her at her own game by extremely complaining until she can't get a word in edgewise. So what if she doesn't like? Who cares, if she is driving everyone nuts.
Perhaps she doesn't know, or believe, that everyone is responsible for their own happiness.
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Last night she outGALed me with two last minute plans.
And pray tell, Mr. Nice Guy, how did she outGALed you? Look, she may be queen of complaining & manipulating, but no more so than your too nice-guy ways. You justify it like all the other nice guy newcomers who are stuck at home keeping the kids, b/c WW outGALed them.......and you are JUST SO HAPPY ABOUT IT, b/c you enjoy your kids. That's great Josh, but you let her outGALed you (if I'm understanding this language correctly). You really think she was feeling so low is why she outGALed you? People who are truly depressed/low aren't usually out GAL. No more "last minute plans" that work keeping you home. Keep your calendar full so you'll always have plans, and outGAL her.
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SMS, well so far no im not strong enough. I'm going to try. But her nose will be way out of joint. Oh well.
Will you listen to me? When you reach the place that it doesn't bother you that her nose is way out of joint, it will change your life.......and I'm pretty sure it will change your MR. The problem is that you are always trying to accommodate your WW. In a relationship where both spouses are unselfish and caring toward each other, that's fine. But that's not your MR. Your W is wayward, and one thing waywards have in common are their men have NGS, and have spoiled them. By spoiling, I mean you let her get away with this crap. Why do you feel you have to carry her around on a feather pillow? It's b/c she's made you feel responsible for her unhappiness! That's how she works, and will continue working you until the day you get fed up and decide you don't have to take it anymore. So, get over it, and start new behavior patterns. ((hugs))
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I saw on another thread you talk about family time as cake eating? I get the point about family vacays as I just came bsck from an aweful one. But can you elaborate? It it the case, only things for kids, nothing else? Or are you advocating no family outings with WW? Like no family dinners out? That wouldn't make sense because I understood kid time and family time were the one thing we should put focus on. Or maybe that was LRT where i read that.
In my opinion, the most effective method to use with a WW is to drop her. I have been here long enough to know that extremely nice guys are not likely to drop her right away. I feel that's where they make their mistake, by taking too long and taking so much disrespect that it destroys any chance of reconciliation. So, I will break this down more by suggesting that whenever the couple is sleeping in separate bedrooms, calling themselves in-house separated, or physically separated........the H should immediately stop family activities or family outings. For one thing, if she is wayward and they are separated, she's probably in some type of an affair or GGW activity. Therefore, he really needs to dump her for the affair and her lack of respect.
As I said in the other thread, the WW will use the M for whatever benefits her most. Vacations, family outings, holiday and special events, dinner with the relatives, shopping together, having her H escort her to social or public gatherings..........these are benefits for her. She isn't thinking about working on the M or getting closer to him! When she doesn't want him along, she has no problem with letting him know, or ditching him at home. But, he continues to tell himself that all this family togetherness will bring them closer together. Maybe in the movies, but in real life with a wayward W, it doesn't work. She has lost her respect and feelings of love for him, but it can turn around if he is strong enough to stop putting up with her waywardness. I use the word waywardness in that sentence, to cover several things a WW can develop over the period of her wayward heart/mindset.
Family activities may be defined as when they sit down for dinner at home. I have no problem with it, just as long as the WW is not showing disrespect toward her H. While certain aspects of the home life may carry on (until separation/divorce, or reconciliation), they don't have to attend other type of family activities. Sometimes there may be a rare exception, like the children's birthday party, b/c if the parents aren't separated then both of them need to be with the kids for their birthday celebration. However, if they are separated, then they should have two or more birthday celebrations. I may be forgetting something, b/c this off the top of my head as I type, but maybe the general idea has been explained.
It's always hard when children are involved. I've read so many posts where a LBH will say he is doing it for his kids (whatever "it" may be). I have a hard time believing it's all for the kids, knowing how the NGS operates. Is it better if the kids go for a while without these "family" activities, or for the rest of their lives? Is it better to miss Christmas at the grandparents one year, or forever? People can survive missing vacations or eating dinner out.
These are not some random thoughts I've had. For a long time, I have observed both personal and impersonal situations involving a WW, whether with kids or without kids. The times where the MR was reconciled and continued successfully, involved this tough love that I've tried to explain above.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
