God I really don't know if I can go on. Today's balling fit topped the charts after work in the heat, little food, and realizations of who W was. God please I want my wife back!!! At the very least help me through this! Sleep has been little and funky the last few days, dreams weird, reality just can't be present. Sometime I choose to be positive ehen the negative thoughts and all the positive history creeps in. God I can't go on. No matter how much I temporarily convince myself. I can't go on anymore. GAL ing is just a buffer. Only feels good temporarily. This is no where near like losing a GF and moving on. I am going to have to see her every couple of days once one of us physically moves outI am going to be healing from this for the rest of my life. I can't even bring myself to jointly plan my S2 2bd birthday in a month or two. She has already invited all of mine and her family. I gave her the venue idea willing to commit to it a few days ago, only to re neg until I decide by Mon. I don't know if I can do it. Im a emotional wreck again. I can't decide. We were going to go out to my cousins in a few weeks together to see new home, W wanted to go. But I changed my mind again on that one too. After all the mental back and forth. This is so painful being caught between who I remember and who she is now. I wish I could gain back her trust and respect again, and vice versa, and she wasn't so scared of me. Steve, LH, AS and LB55 are right. I need IC therapy STAT! I have to find a way. I have to go to church. She is set on the Divorce but still at 99.9 percent on the fence. She feels guilty and she knows I an hurting, and cares for me but, she's leaned that far. Her guard and walls are up, and again will never look at me in a romantic light ever again. I think that last .9% is her guilt insecurity and fear, and she's moving torwatds following through with it.
I am so exhausted. I wish I could rationalise with myself how some moments the D is just a legal piece of paper, and there is a great life ahead of me once I get through this. On the other hand. Flaws trust issues and all I want no one else in my life, and I hope to God I recover someday and see past this that this is for the better
