I’m REALLY struggling with the detachment. I understand the theory. When she’s not around, I can give myself all sorts of mental pep talks. But when I’m around her I just can’t see it through. Where the hell do you get that mental toughness from? I just feel so lonely, I really regret not jumping at the chance to try again when she offered it.
I ended my previous post by saying you start by respecting yourself as a man. Look at the above quote. This is not, IMHO, a self-respecting man who thinks he should have jumped at the chance to take his wayward W's offer. Why do you think so little of yourself that you would not expect her to make necessary changes before you'd ever consider staying M to her? You said the attention feels good. Well, so what? She's giving other men attention and making them feel good, too. I go back to what I said about her temp checking you. This woman is nowhere close to wanting to change her ways, b/c she knows she can have you back without doing any changes. Trust me, it will take more than a little hot time in the tub and a day at the beach. That is nothing for her! Nothing! Changing her mindset & behavior patterns, and respecting her M........that's the real work for a WW. Ending all her inappropriate communication with OM.....cold turkey......that's real work. And guess what? When she gets SERIOUS about wanting to save her MR......she'll do whatever is necessary, and you will see her change. Until then, you aren't going to persuade her to reconsider ending the M, unless you are prepared to do what you should have done when she first said she wanted a D. Currently, you aren't there, but hopefully you are listening to us and will be able to learn how to change for a stronger version of yourself. I hope you don't take my words offensively, b/c I'm not trying to insult you. I simply want to help by sharing what I've learned.
You have to fight for the M, but you do in a way most LBH's with NGS resist until it's too late. Yes, I'm talking about tough love. You have to be willing and ready to give her up, if you hope to get her back. Don't settle for what she's doing, just b/c you turn to mush when she comes around you. Do you have any idea of what I'm referring to as tough love?
You think it's hard to detach, so I'll tell you what do. Just forget about detaching, until you learn how to apply tough love. I had to apply tough love to a couple of my kids and I wasn't detached from the love I felt for them.......but I loved them enough it mattered what kind of people they turned out to be. So, I had to let them learn there are consequences for choices/actions. There are actually men out there in the world who love their W's very much and have to use tough love methods. It wouldn't be "tough" if there were no feelings of love. What about your boys? Will you be able to apply tough love, if they rebel against the right thing to do? Will you hold them accountable for their actions? I wonder, b/c you have not held your WW accountable, or appear to expect more in a W than she is currently giving you. Frankly, I don't think this woman has magical powers that bewitch you. I think you are too afraid of losing her, and that fear has cost you her respect. Until you change your mental attitude, you will not have the MR....or love, from a woman that you want or deserve.
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I thought that was the whole point of DBing? She said she wanted to try again about a month ago- why is it impossible? I appreciate its highly likely to end in D now but surely the whole point of Michelle’s books is there is still a chance?
Yes, there's a chance, but only if you change into a stronger man. Women don't want a H who is weaker than she is, so why do you think she tests him? Your W tested you, and you flunked. Try a different method. You can't nice a WW back. Am I saying to be a jerk? No, I am saying to find your b@lls and stop being like melty-cheese stick. No woman wants a melty-cheese stick for a husband.
She already knows you regret not jumping at her offer, b/c she's temp checked you. So now, you need to get a firm grip and start enforcing some boundaries. You are the faithful spouse, right? No inappropriate behavior with other women? Know your values and standards and don't compromise your integrity. Don't drop your standards, just b/c she has dropped hers. Study the boundaries link. Set you boundaries and be prepared to enforce those boundaries if they were dishonored. If the offending party does not experience some type of consequences, then it is unlikely they will start honoring your boundaries. It's that simple. So, be true to yourself.
The one thing a WW respects more than anything......is strength. If she sees you are a man of honor and strength, she'll want to be with you......if she has any remaining brain cells left in her head. Holding her accountable for her actions is critical, if this M has a chance for a future together. Calling her out if she treats you disrespectfully (even though you are in-house separated, bad treatment is not tolerated), enforcing boundaries, being prepared to take the next step toward ending the M......if she continues her current direction. These are a few ways you can show tough love. Sure, she may act mad or whatever at the time, but stick to your guns. She may NEVER admit it, but she will respect you if you do it in a way that represents strength & honor, instead of just being an a$$. Know what I mean?
She wants out of the M? Why is she still staying with you? What's her holdup? I don't think she's as ready as she claims. I think she wants one foot out and one foot inside. It's easy cake eating for her. The WW will eat lots & lots of cake if you serve it up. Playing happy family is serving cake. Having sex is serving cake, IMHO......and may be a life sentence if she sleeps with some other guy. Taking family vacations with the WW, is serving cake. Now, stay balanced when you start thinking about other ways she's getting cake. Whenever living under the same roof, there is going to be a certain amount of cake eating.... no way around it. In other words, she is going to benefit from being legally M to you and living in the marital home. Whether she sleeps with you or not, she benefits from the M. See what I mean? I point this out to explain that that is usually why a WW stays under the same roof or legally M once she gives the bomb drop. She wants to continue benefiting from his provisions, until she secures something else. Having sex while separated, is just another benefit for some women, without the responsibilities and honor that should come in the MR.
Please don't take any drastic measures without checking with the board first. I'm merely trying to show you a few things, okay? Don't get crazy and think you can't sit at the same dinning table or ride in the same car. Stay balanced here. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
