Thanks for all that advice Sandi. Wow, that's a lot to take in and its hard to know where to start with a reply!
So the sitch between us is generally that she doesn't show signs of stepping up her game in terms of being a housewife (she works p/t BTW) and we're getting on better because I'm not picking her up on it (I used to moan a lot about the state of the house and she's said its one of things she cant get over (I know this gives her a very easy out to do F-all!)). We do get on so much better because of this, but the fact she still wants to D suggests if she isn't still in contact with the OM (she's sworn on the boys lives she isn't FWIW) he's still in her thoughts. Maybe not but that's my gut feel. Do I assume she is still messaging him and behave accordingly or something else?
My understanding now is I need to 180, but this isn't the freezing cold approach I thought it was, more stop being there so much. My question is if I stop (for example) making her a coffee when I have one or going to the beach with her and the boys or going in the hot tub with her or similar, she's going to notice (yes I know that is the point) and ask why I'm being off with her. Why have you stopped making me a coffee, or spending time with your sons and I, or why do you refuse to help me when I ask for your help? How do I answer that question? I sure cant say "because you're still messaging the OM" because I'll get "you're paranoid, its in the past, you need to get over this" etc. In other words, surely there has to be some justification for the "tough love"? Do I still treat her as wayward even though she now says she isn't?
I've been frank with her and just asked her to be honest with me about the OM. She knows if were to have any sort of R, I wouldn't tolerate any communication with them but since we're already D'ing she can be honest and tell me if she is in comms with him, intends to meet up etc- I dont approve of it and I certainly wouldn't tolerate a relationship with it but I rather know than have it happen behind my back. To specifically answer your question, if she said she did want to communicate with him, meet up, have sex with him, whatever then there would be no 'us', I would be done. Maybe this is why she wouldn't tell me if she was? She has apologised about the messaging, that it was stupid, she regrets it, it was just a thrill etc etc. I probably should have busted her balls (metaphorically speaking ) more than I did. Apologies if this sounds incredibly naïve!
Which leads nicely on to boundaries. I've read the threads, I think I understand them. I just have no clue how to implement them. For example, she is lazy around the house. She spends to much time on her phone. I cant control that so how do I turn that into a boundary for me?
She's away with my youngest boy at her sisters for a week whilst I have the eldest. I haven't called her or messaged her yet (she went on Thursday). I'm trying to use the time to read, get perspective and start the GAL.
) more than I did. Apologies if this sounds incredibly naïve!
