Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

I am back to my post BD nerves

Breathe Gerda. You have the gift of time, even though it may not seem like it.

The issue is that the way H is going about this is so evil, my exposure to his L and all that evil is so impossibly dark, that it is killing something in me that was a seed that could grow. The seed that would allow forgiveness no matter what. I don't know why the other things seem forgivable and this does not, but truly this is beyond anything I ever imagined he would be capable of. He is believing a lie about me -- e.g., that I am hiding money -- but it is very easy to look at the numbers and see the truth. So he either has to be committed to an insane asylum for delusions or he is evil beyond repair. The first will not happen and the second destroys what has defined me all this time -- and since long before I even met H.

H believes a lie about you. Listen to that. He believes it!

Numbers, logic, reason will not alter his belief. Convictions, values, beliefs are difficult and take time to alter for the one experiencing them - it is impossible (applies here) for you to change his beliefs, only his can do that.

It is not “very easy to look at the numbers and see the truth”. His world would crumble if he would see the truth. He very much cannot, at this time, see reason.

Imagine if you absolutely believed that something was red. It looked red to you. It is red! Now someone is telling you it is blue. To alter what you see to see blue. That is how destructive a crisis is to someone’s reality. You cannot fix him, show him, reason with him, explain to him - nothing, you didn’t break him. To have him see blue, especially when he is fighting and mad - crisis is horrible.

You have only allowed two choices for H, well actually for you. H needs to be committed to an insane asylum or he is evil beyond repair. This affects you, not H. This outlook doesn’t change anything with H, only within you.

Beliefs are slow to change and the person must be willing. (((Gerda)))

Neither of those two choices are accurate. Please don’t strengthen a belief towards them. H is irrational, not insane. H is behaving deplorably, lacking morals, and in general is an @ss; he is not evil. He actions are horrible; seeing him as evil will not serve or help you. In fact it does exactly what you said - it hurts and destroys you.

Standing and the crossroads you face. (Interior mind control ). Standing really starts when you are healed enough to stand down. Until then standing and healing are linked. The crossroads and temptations you face are due to indifference taking hold. One feels all these new larger than life emotions in the void that indifference produces, and wants to reconcile them. Dig for patience. You have lots going on, let things settle.

Standing, like forgiveness, letting go, loosing fear, etc... is for you, not H, not marriage. Stand for you.

And it seems like the only way to explain my suffering, on many levels, to give it a purpose -- restoration of this family as the end point to everything. And to give my children hope and a reason to believe in vows and to forgive their father.

I know i think all the protests you will have against this black-white vision. I know you will encourage me to wait and watch and not worry about this. I know you will say it's not my job to help them forgive their dad.

Standing, restoration of family, hope, forgiveness, vows, kids - all mixed together. Black-white, all or nothing, and the way you said it appears to be dependent on family restoration.

I am sorry when I’ve come across as protesting your path. This is your journey and I am happy to walk with you.

I am at a loss of why you feel I would advise you to not help your kids find forgiveness.

It is not your job to facilitate a relationship between kids and their father, it is your job not to harm or destroy it.

It is absolutely your job to help your kids. Maybe help is being defined differently. Forgiveness is for the one doing the forgiving. I have encouraged my kids to forgive their Mom and themselves. Your children should definitely work towards forgiving their Dad, it is so much for them.

Forgiveness is not contingent on H’s (or Dad’s) remorse, actions, or words. In fact forgiveness for him will have very little to do with him, and everything to do with you (or S or D).

Forgiveness also is not contingent on family restoration. Again definitions - family restoration. Even if H never wakes up, you all can find forgiveness. Your family is you, S, and D - for the moment. Build it strong.

I know that for you, DnJ and probably Grace too, it's a little different, because you do not see remarriage or dating in the same way. But that is what I mean, I do not want to adapt my faith to my circumstances.

I’ve accepted the reality of my situation. My family does not include XW - for now. Life is change. We all are moving and the future is unknown, and I am open to lots of possibilities.

Maybe this will help:

I am divorced and single. I have let XW go. I did attempt, and was willing, to date - fate had other plans. I still have not broken my vows. I have no plans to date. I’m not sure about where I am with remarriage, dating, etc... I am not against it, and I am not seeking it. I am happy with my life.

“I do not want to adapt my faith to my circumstances” - good for you. Circumstances change. If you alter your faith do it for you, not to match circumstances.

Family restoration is not the end point, life would continue after that as well. Family is important. Holding on for a restoration that includes H, is not.

Following your faith, forgiving, leading your kids to forgiveness, keeping you vows, having purpose, living well, and being happy - are all important and possible. And achievable for you and in the circumstances you are in right now.

I believe that!

DnJ