Need Some Advice Please!!

[sandi2]

-Are you actively working on detachment? Not just talking about it. Thinking about it. But actually striving to detach as much as possible? Does that mean admitting i still want to have sex with her, rubbing her feet or back, worrying about where she's with, who's she's with, who she's messaging etc? If yes then I'm doing great smile But seriously no, I'm doing all those things, I really need to work on this.

The people who were successful in getting through this most awful period, have said that GAL is absolutely key to detaching and finding happiness & emotional strength to press forward.......with or without your W.

A bit more advice needed please. Last night she went out with friends. She was driving so didn't drink. When she got home, I was in the hot tub chilling and she joined me. We ended up having sex in the hot tub. She said afterwards she worries its giving me false hope but tbh I just enjoyed the sex for what it was. My question is really that is probably the polar opposite of detaching- should I be saying no? She was up and out for work this morning so I haven't seen her, but I just intend to not mention it when she gets hone, if she mentions it, play it down. Thoughts please?

Why didn't you get out of the hot tub when she got in it? Boy, that would have sent a clear message you weren't interested in anything from a wayward. Maybe I've missed one or two, but I don't recall a single male poster telling a newcomer that he shouldn't have sex with his wayward W......or any other type of W. The forum ladies usually keep quiet, except for me. So, if you have a wayward W, does it justify having sex just for the sake of enjoying sex? Obviously, the men think so. IMHO, it can get real complicated. Sex is one of main things that a WW uses to temp check her H. Makes no difference if he enjoys it without any strings attached (which I don't think a LBH really does, in the first place), b/c she is manipulating him. Whether he initiates or she does, he's going to start wondering if this is "a good sign". Oh, I've heard the same excuse dozens of time from newcomers........"I had no expectations". Oh, really? Wasn't it you that were confused at her mixed signals? That's what I'm saying here. Then, there are the stories where the WW gets pregnant by OM, and she has to make sure she covers herself.......just in case things don't work out with OM. Hello, sex with LBH! So, if hubby gets suspicious, she can say, "Yes, don't you remember the night in the hot tub? Of course it's your baby!"

She said afterwards she worries its giving me false hope

Well, there you go. And you are already thinking what to do if she mentions it. Oddly enough, the very next day you posted that you were really struggling to stay strong & detached.....and having mixed signals. So, go figure.

How do I explain a sudden change from cordial to aloof? I can’t say “because you’re messaging other guys”- I have no proof, just a gut feeling and she will say I’m being paranoid.

Having sex and playing like happy family on the beach is more than just being cordial, don't you think? Of course she's going to notice if you suddenly go into this aloof stance. The problem I have seen common in LBH's (with NGS) is that they don't seem to know how to balance very well. They can't find the middle ground. If we suggest they are being too involved, then they jump into the extreme opposite and act like a polar bear.

Let me ask you something about your personal views about marriage. Is it okay for your W to have inappropriate communication or an EA with other men, and you will be fine having sex and continue to play happy couple/family when she happens to be in a good mood? If so, then I won't bring it up again. But if you are grasping at the crumbs she's throwing your way, b/c you are afraid to lose her, then please see it for what it really is. I can speak from WW experience when I say that there is much more that should be required in order for her to get back in your good graces again. My second thread on WW's is about not letting the WW back too easily. Having sex and a good day at the beach, is not work for her. But it is a short preview of how easily the WW can sliver under the door to get back into the MR, without having to change her wayward mindset or behavior. It doesn't last, b/c the root issue has not changed.

Yes- rule 15. Don’t start conversations. Don’t be overly talkative.

It doesn't say you cannot speak or talk. Think about the LBS who is trying to hold their partner's attention/interest captive (so to speak) by drawing them into conversations. It can be a form of manipulation, and some LBS's try to keep the conversation going on & on & on.....as a means of emotionally holding their partner (think of phone calls). However, this rule does not mean the spouse cannot speak to the partner. It doesn't mean he can say nothing! It does not mean he should act cold, rude, sullen, or whatever. I see how it could be misunderstood, so asking questions about something is the thing to do.

Yes she filed. I want to work on it. She’s decided she’s better off on her own.

Similarly, if we both play the “go out as much as you can” game it’s the boys that suffer. I did think (mistakenly) that being close would lead to a reconciliation. But similarly, if I do want a reconciliation appearing moody or “off” with her with an explanation of “because you want to D” or similar doesn’t feel like a good tactic either. Don’t get me wrong though, I’ve changed a massive amount and her not at all- if she isn’t willing to change (and I’m not convinced she wants to or thinks she needs to), the marriage won’t last either.

Okay, what you say makes sense, until you realize you are dealing with a WW. It's all about her not feeling respect for you as a man, or as her H. That's where you need to start. Nobody has told you to act moody or sullen. That was your interpretation. That was you jumping to the opposite end of the spectrum.

Have you read the WW series yet? It talks about how a man deals with a WW. Trying to play happy family, having sex, fun days on the beach, taking vacations, and acting as if she has not betrayed the MR and that she wants out........is NOT how to reconcile properly with a WW. Yes, you want to work on the M, but she doesn't. When someone doesn't want you, then you don't keep pursuing, thinking it will change their mind. At least, it doesn't work with a woman who doesn't respect you. Without respect, her ability to feel those in-love emotions and admiration is gone. In marriage, a woman's desire is emotionally tied to the respect she feels for her H. Men aren't built that way, but women are. So, you can play around it all day long, but the bottom line is she doesn't admire you as a man. How do you change that? First, start respecting yourself as a man.