Wow. It definitely sounds like he is starting to change his tune. I recall those early days and the excitement/relief/fear and surreal experience. I am traveling today and not able to sit at a computer and give a thorough reply, but I wanted to at least say a couple things.
Please read the piecing thread that Sandi started. There are some valuable points in there, even if you are not piecing yet. Maybe read it several times.
I am getting a sense that you are moving too quickly and allowing him close to you far, far too quickly. I think that is the most common mistake that people make and I did the same thing, unfortunately. In hindsight, I can see how much that hurt me and our situation. In fact, over time, that is what caused more obstacles and ultimately set us back.
Your H betrayed you in the worst way possible. Honestly, it is the one of the worst things a man can do to his wife and children. He is starting to realize that and is overcome with emotions and guilt. He should be!!! .... Here is the thing tho — his overwhelming feelings of regret and shame does not translate into him becoming a better husband. Not at all! Look at his actions in the last couple years. What actions and changes has he made to be a good person now and for how long has he made these changes??? Really, really let that sink in.
The way to recover a marriage (well, decide to start over really, while shoveling through the damage) is basically just hard work. It is daily blood, sweat and tears. It is a decision each morning to wake up and work. By work I mean be the best person you can be, exercise extreme patience, keep your emotional roller coaster in check (the good and bad), learn to handle triggers (they are everywhere), learn to listen to him and continue to validate, keep your standards of what you expect from him high. Because I’m telling you now, once you get comfortable with him back, you will be piszed off in ways and to extremes you didn’t know possible ... and if you’re not, well then that is just strange.
Basically, you can’t just jump back into it. That will backfire! You may both be feeling strongly, perhaps magnetically, at the prospect of being together again, but those feelings of relief are short lived. Maybe a couple weeks or months. You cannot ignore the past and that he is not trustworthy. His actions cannot be erased. He has to show you a man that deserves your trust and love FIRST before you interact with him in loving ways. Do not lower yourself and your standards in that way. Demand that he show you his changes before giving yourself back to him. So he feels like a royal POS for having an A and leaving you. He should, but does that mean you just take him back? And he was trying to use the kids to get the message across? I’m sorry, but that is cowardly.
I would never advise putting your rings back on, talking to him and spending time with him frequently, or planning any future together. He has to SHOW you he has changed FIRST. And that takes a long time or consistent actions, not tears. He has shown you remorse and that is the first step. But he has to show you why he is ready to be trusted and forgiven. Him crying to you and ignoring OW is just that — him crying and ignoring her.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
