Just to give you a female perspective on this.... For women, knowing their man had an EA can be more devastating than a PA. We think about emotions being involved and that meaning more than just sex. For most men I know, it's the opposite. They do not want their women to have a PA because that means more to them than the emotional part.
Let me break it to you, women can have sex without a lot of emotions attached just like men. They can have sex and it not mean very much to them just like men can. It can make them field good in the moment, it can block out other painful thoughts, and feelings and confusion about their life.
From what I've been reading on this and another forum related to MLC, it is common for these MLC, WAW, WAY spouses to connect with people who they perceive to be "just like them" However, "just like them" mirrors how they perceive themselves at this time when all the confusion of what they want has set in. It's usually not about that person being "better than the spouse." It's about availability, it's about lack of complication with that person, it's about limerence, feeling attractive in the affair partner's eyes, and the other reasons I listed above, but it's usually not about love. I think that is why, most on this and my other forum advise to disregard the magnitude or importance of the affair and minimize it in your mind. You can't control whether it happens or not, you can only work on you! In your wife's mind, she has checked out of the marriage and she may not even believe what she is doing is wrong.
As others have mentioned, working on you makes you more appealing and more attractive so your spouse can see that there is something to fight for and lets her know that you are able to move forward without her so they may start to have a fear of loss. If they don't come back, it sets you up for better relationships in the future. I know that this is easy to understand in your brain and but hard to reconcile with your feelings and much easier said than done but this is why the forum is here to help.
