Spring 18 I discovered H in an EA by checking texts on his phone. He strenuously denied, claimed I was having mental health problems, then finally confessed when confronted with more evidence. Things had not been right between us for a year or so prior to that. We went to MC during which H blamed me for all his actions and carried on denying the extent of his contact with EA woman. He became increasingly critical and controlling and verbally abusive. I BD'd him in Jan 19 and he moved out. The first few months were appalling, with him refusing contact with Eldest. (One of our major differences was over parenting). This has thawed now, and though I am mainly dark, he's having good contact and friendly interactions with both kids regularly, and is increasingly involved in their lives. He is in IC, as am I. He wants to R and go to MC, though I am undecided.
Nothing new to report as yet. I am still thinking. Feeling less sad and to be honest a bit angry. Especially after typing out this summary. It took a long time, lots of posts and lots of hearing advice from the vets on here to understand that H was abusive and that I needed to protect myself from that at all costs. I have done so. The abuse has stopped - verbal and emotional - and he seems to have done a total 180. But it's only been a few weeks. He is apologetic but has offered no clear explanation (which is an improvement on him blaming me for his unacceptable behaviour - but it isn't enough).
I guess while I can believe in theory that people can change, that he may well be willing to do the work and may well be taking his IC seriously, even in the best possible circumstances, I still get the 'prize' of Ring with a man who I know is capable of great cruelty. He may change. He may look inside and do the work. That's up to him. But even if he does, I can't help but feel I deserve something better than a man who needs to take strenuous and special efforts to refrain from emotionally and verbally abusing his wife. He had much to be unhappy about in our marriage - I own that - but he could have just left, moved on, and gone dark. He could have divorced me. Instead, he stayed and made my life a misery, and carried on making it a misery for as long as I allowed it. Perhaps my going dark has 'worked' but I am not sure I want someone I need to take such drastic measures to get him to understand I am human and deserving of respect and basic civility.
I am resting a lot at the moment. Making no hasty decisions. I worked so so so hard to get where I am, and it hurt, and it was really hard, and it look longer than it should have. My children suffered in the process. I am not willing to go there again for anything.
