Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (3)

[Adam04]

Update.

W has come back to bed. We apologized and talked and she is now doing a 180. Last couple of days no ILY, only hugs in morning. We still text and have semi R talks. These talks are a bit painful but also a bit more honest I think. W said she just wants to work on her and doesn’t know where her head is. The other day she said she was going to seek professional help and tonight after she said she felt pressure from me she divulged she is seeing a counselor next week but didn’t want to tell me. She is saying she can’t make any promises about our future but knows she needs to work on herself first. She now is saying I am pressuring her, she feels like I am trying to control what she needs to do like when I made suggestions about steps to take for recon. She said she resents the transparency and thought it only meant looking through her phone if she was there too. So she has flipped hard. She is trying to figure out if she is doing this for the boys or us. I told her I will be patient and understanding and thanked her for being able to tell me her feelings. I asked why the change and she’s not sure. She said since she was living a lie she felt like she had to listen to the stuff I was saying because it was some type of punishment. She felt like I was lecturing her because I was already down this path to figuring it out and she didn’t need my help or suggestions.

She’s showing signs of flipping back to having one foot out the door but this person is willing to speak to a counselor for help and is still agreeing to visibility and looking thru her phone, going thru the call log from the past convo we had to see if this guy’s phone number would come up more than when she said it did. She even admitted she didn’t change her username for the boys to use her old email address for face time. She said she change it back when we were going thru the separation and doesn’t know how to change things back and still said it’s okay for me to help reset it so the find me app can work. She also said she looked into one of those other family sharing apps to track.


I told my W while I get she needs to do this on her own and I commended her for wanting to do the work, I also will not back down on what I needed in the marriage. I said I will be patient but I will not be in a sex starved marriage or another in house separation and I will stilll need her To be transparent. Surprisingly she said those things aren’t a problem, she has nothing to hide but she can not make a promise to me about the marriage until she works and focuses on her first. She said she needs pressure from me to stop. So here we are trying to communicate our needs. I told her I was trying to follow a process I thought she was on board with.

I told her I am not going to tolerate disrespect , the rebellion, and I understand she’s got a lot of resentment she has to deal with but that’s got to get worked on. She isn’t aligning her doing this for the marriage but she has commented that once she goes and if it helps maybe she can figure out why she felt like she had to lie to me all this time.

Although it sounds a bit dire and there is a high chance this doesn’t work out, I expressed



W said that d wasn’t even on the table when I made a comment about it. She just needs time to sort her mess out so maybe we can get back to being in a good place. I told her this is going to be tricky because with all the lies in the past I will be seeing if there is traction because I can’t have ‘no dialogue’ with her on what’s going on, I told her I don’t sent her to try to pull the wool over my eyes saying she is working on it and 6 months pass and there is no forward process. She said that would be a long time and hopes it won’t be that long but at least let her go to the first one and see how it is.

This week I had been giving us some space. One of the days I went out to have dinner by myself and read. I told her I was out havin dinner by myself when she asked and I told her it was to give space and she said I didn’t need to. She went out with her sisters today and got home. We had a semi heavy convo of how she is feeling right now.

I am not taking it to heart thankfully because of this forum to believe nothing they say. I do feel it’s important to heed the signs.

I have heard It said here that the WAS rejects what we share with them so I was aware ahead of time this could and would happen. I have been hesitant to say we are reconning. I think we are steering in that direction but it’s a long way off and I am not out of the woods yet. I feel like I have to be confident in where we are, don’t let it get me emotional in front of her. I still need to stand my ground and not be afraid. That’s one thing I haven’t been is afraid to lose her.

Last week she said when she thought about divorce back almost a year ago she lost attraction for me but now she has it. She said she didn’t know what it was but she liked this new me with the changes. Tonight she said she feels like she needs to grow and make some changes and she can’t have me guiding or pushing her or she will resent me for trying to control her.

I don’t know , it’s going to be confusing and this looks like accepting them back too soon. I don’t want to be punitive and hard reset with taking the boys to the apartment. I already claimed that this is my house too but I still have the apartment on the side so I am not sure what that says. I hate to overthink anything too.

What do I need to consider or do at this stage?
This a false start or not necessarily?

I don’t know if she is saying I am smothering her with things to do so that she doesn’t have to do them. Maybe I just need to really be patient and allow her time to figure it out and then see what I feel by that time. I need to reread Sandis notes on having a good plan.