So do i need to stop doing anything for her or around the house? And do i need to try to avoid her? Also what might happen if i say ok to a divorce and even get the papers and stuff?
Originally Posted by unchien
Jb - we had 3 kids back-to-back-to-back. Pregnancy, then a year of breastfeeding, then pregnancy again, etc. Wife got an IUD afterwards, had it removed due to bleeding and pain issues, has cycled through various birth control meds ever since. I had a vasectomy but she continues with the BC because of issues regulating her cycle. A couple months ago she had her period every day for 6 weeks. I think the stress of the sitch was contributing.
Anyways... all I can say is, avoid the temptation to "root cause" your sitch. People are complicated creatures. Maybe hormones are a contributing factor. Not sure it really changes what you should be doing. If I could give my wife a magic (BC) pill and fix everything I would.
I might be misinterpreting your question. Anytime she brought up issues with her birth control or hormones I validated and expressed my concern about her health. I did not try to provide advice in any direction.
During limbo I lost 15 pounds from the stress. I am already a skinny dude. My W expressed concern and insisted I see a doctor. She asked all about the appointment. I told the doctor straight up there is no medical issue, I am stressed out because my W wants to leave me. He offered to prescribe some anti anxiety medication. I declined. I knew my W may hold it against me, plus I wanted to handle things on my own. She kept asking about the appointment. I told her I was told to lessen my workload at work and get better sleep.
Two different medical situations: my W got curious and I took her concern very negatively as if it was self serving. I still do.
Let your W drive her medical decisions and stick to validating.
Don't do anything around the house for her. If you want something done, or need it. Then do it.
In my sitch, my wife was terrible about dishes in the sink. I hate dirty dishes in the sink. Before BD I would empty the dishwasher, empty the sink, and complain and moan about it the whole time. Never called her names but would certainly express my displeasure. After BD I still did it because it was important to me! But I did it cheerily. Happily. Upbeat. Singing or whistling to myself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So she’s been drinking a lot more, smoking weed more, hanging out with friends more and staying out late (which i don’t care if she does any of that in moderation) but it’s gotten so bad that it’s become destructive, she’s hanging out and drinking until like 12-1 when she has to be at work at 5, she has to be up no later than 4 to get ready. But yet when she’s off the next day she hasn’t stayed out as late, It’s almost like she’s trying to set herself up to get fired at work. It’s also like she she’s trying to escape her own unhappiness, depression, and anxiety instead of facing it. That’s why i’m against her long term use of anxiety meds, it only helps to run away instead of facing the problem so it builds up until you can’t escape anymore, then you have to face what is essentially a monster that you created just because you put it off..i know i can’t confront her on any of this though, i just have to do my own thing, but i’m still worried. Also i’m not sure if i’m right about any of this
So she’s been drinking a lot more, smoking weed more, hanging out with friends more and staying out late (which i don’t care if she does any of that in moderation) but it’s gotten so bad that it’s become destructive, she’s hanging out and drinking until like 12-1 when she has to be at work at 5, she has to be up no later than 4 to get ready. But yet when she’s off the next day she hasn’t stayed out as late, It’s almost like she’s trying to set herself up to get fired at work. It’s also like she she’s trying to escape her own unhappiness, depression, and anxiety instead of facing it. That’s why i’m against her long term use of anxiety meds, it only helps to run away instead of facing the problem so it builds up until you can’t escape anymore, then you have to face what is essentially a monster that you created just because you put it off..i know i can’t confront her on any of this though, i just have to do my own thing, but i’m still worried. Also i’m not sure if i’m right about any of this
Jb2019 - I feel like you are me writing about 6 weeks ago.
Drinking, smoking weed, staying out late, depressing, anxiety meds - way too much focus on her.
I get it... you are trying to understand. Trust me, you'll cycle through these thoughts for awhile, and then eventually climb out of it. Let her do what she is going to do. All of this is a subtle form of control - you would prefer she make different choices. Let her face the consequences of her choices, you pointing them out will only worsen things for you.
So she’s been drinking a lot more, smoking weed more, hanging out with friends more and staying out late (which i don’t care if she does any of that in moderation) but it’s gotten so bad that it’s become destructive, she’s hanging out and drinking until like 12-1 when she has to be at work at 5, she has to be up no later than 4 to get ready. But yet when she’s off the next day she hasn’t stayed out as late, It’s almost like she’s trying to set herself up to get fired at work. It’s also like she she’s trying to escape her own unhappiness, depression, and anxiety instead of facing it. That’s why i’m against her long term use of anxiety meds, it only helps to run away instead of facing the problem so it builds up until you can’t escape anymore, then you have to face what is essentially a monster that you created just because you put it off..i know i can’t confront her on any of this though, i just have to do my own thing, but i’m still worried. Also i’m not sure if i’m right about any of this
You seem to think that this can be controlled. That will be your undoing. You need to step aside and get out of the way. She'll either come around or she won't. There is nothing you can do to bring about or prevent either one.
As unchien just asked. How are you focusing on you?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
