I’m too much of an emotional person and care too much about her and want things to work that i’m afraid what will happen if i do some of the things the book says, i also wouldn’t know how to do it. I’m sorry if i keep repeating things but it’s hard for me to comprehend all this and gauge how things are going
We create what we fear. Have you ever heard that? Someone that fears getting into an accident will usually drive in such a way that they are more likely to get into an accident. Do not fear DBing. You have two choices: DB, or pressure and pursue.
Jb - Steve is right. DB doesn't guarantee any outcome. It just changes the odds, and helps you break out of your unhealthy coping patterns.
As our MC told me privately: "F*** your fear. Fear doesn't exist." It is entirely a creation of your mind.
Fear also serves to mask controlling behavior. You are seeking a certain outcome (due to fear), so you design your words and actions to try to achieve that outcome. This is a means of control and it is not authentic. It is classic Nice Guy. Nice Guy wants to try out different things and then gauge how his W responds. No no no no no. Reformed Nice Guy does what is authentic and respectful and true to his values, and in doing so becomes happier and more attractive. RNG is authentic. If his W wants to leave, RNG lets her go.
Who is Jb2019? What do you fear? If what you fear comes true, will you survive? I guarantee that you will. You may even look at the experience as a gift.
The problem is not that you care too much about her. The problem is you don't care enough about yourself.
By the way, everything I say is just me speaking how I wish I acted - I make mistakes all the time =) But I've seen enough in my situation to realize this is going to define the path I take for the rest of my life. I read NMMNG a year ago and did not take the lessons to heart. Now I am back, tail between my legs, reading and re-reading it like a sacred text.
I am convinced with practice and hard work, these things become second-nature. You don't need to constantly think of "validation, boundaries, toxic shame, covert contracts, PMA, GAL, 180s, LRT, etc." - you are just you, confident, self-differentiated, fully in command of your words and actions and values. Then... you can face whatever life throws your way. It may be your W's undying love, it may be a brutal D. Nobody knows. Enjoy the adventure.
