I'm thankful for this forum. Not only for the advice, support, and friendship, but it also gives me a reason to organize my thoughts and work out the issues of the day.
Anxiety is running rampant, yet again.
I can’t stop the freight train carrying H to a train wreck. I don’t have the power. I know it. I don’t think he has the power either. He’s weak. Depressed. Frozen in a miserable, lonely existence. Yes lonely even with OW I’d venture to guess. He’s on that train and doesn’t know how to get off.
There was a time this morning at work that I realized I didn’t think about H for a few hours. I prayed right then and there a prayer of thanks for that reprieve. Any moment he (they) are not on my mind is a blessing.
Yet I'm anxious.
How can I be so good just a few short weeks ago. And I feel so incredibly anxious now? Even after the burden that was lifted by finally letting H know his choices are not o.k. Getting it out in the open. I felt great after that, for a short while.
My lack of control over the situation takes my destiny out of my hands.
I fear the unknown. I fear dealing with the fallout, hurt and disappointment of my kids when they learn their dad has chosen a life with a girlfriend while married to their mom. D19 is already fragile.
I fear the daunting task of potentially (likely?) separating our lives completely and forever.
But, my destiny is in MY hands, isn’t it? I don’t need to ride that train to a wreck and fear the unknown. I need to get off, and take matters in my own hands.
Stop snooping. – I fell off the wagon and this caused my anxiety to rear its ugly head today. Phone records show a call from a mortgage broker. Doesn’t H know that he can’t buy a place without my knowledge? Doesn’t he know that it will be 50% mine if he uses our money, including all the furnishings? He’s a smart man. How can he be so stupid? Maybe he’s not buying a place at all. Unlikely. The evidence is piling up. I’ll know by Labor Day for sure.
I’m really beginning to hate the waiting. Don’t wait, move forward! Ugh!
Make GAL plans – Have plans Friday night with a girlfriend to catch up. Next Friday and Saturday are also booked. I’ll spend tons of time with D19. It’s her birthday next week. I’ve got less than a month before she goes back to school.
Meet with my attorney – I reached out to her to discuss contingencies if H buys a place, and to discuss my finances and a potential separation agreement (not legally, as it’s not allowed in my state). I'm looking forward to meeting with her.
Call a friend – messaged her. And she is a blessing.
Love on my kids – always and every day
Maybe it’s time for a wee glass of wine, put my feet up, and watch T.V.
