Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2

[crdcheck]

crd - Re: trust building. The October documented plan was a great start, but in real life things are not that concrete and easy to implement. Simply saying what you will do, then doing what you said, is a great way to start. "I will pick up D3 at 4pm" - be there on time.

Yep, will do. I follow through on my commitments but not always 100% - maybe I didn't text as soon as I got to a friend's house. Interpretation is that I don't care rather than an honest slip. Anything less than 100% is unacceptable with W. But no excuses, and no reason to give up, even if we don't have a relationship.

You've also mentioned your W complained you always put your needs first. Do you agree with her, or find some grain of truth in what she says?

Whether or not it's fair or unfair for her to distrust you, or accuse you of selfishness, I think there is value regardless of the outcome of your MR to find the truth in what she says, and think about what you can change for your future relationships (including R if that opportunity arises).

I absolutely agree with her that the examples she cites could be seen as me just doing what I want. Where we disagree is a) in the why and b) whether I always do it or is she ignoring the bigger picture. As to "a" she says that I'm a narcissist who doesn't care about her. The (well, my) reality is that I did all kinds of things for her, asked and unasked, and never got feedback as to what was valuable vs what wasn't, which areas where I resisted and she didn't care vs. areas where she was really upset. So, she could say that she wants to eat Thai tonight and I could say "eh, I had it at lunch, why don't we do Mexican" and she could think (but not say) that it's an example of me not caring about her, that she wants to eat healthier and I just think about what I want. But if I say "hey, sure, I mean, I had Thai for lunch but I love it so fine, let's do it" it's not noticed.

Between October and shortly after the D announcement I yielded to her on just about everything unless I let myself get triggered (e.g. if she wanted me to take D3 to the doctor and I had done that last two appointments, she would say that her work is "higher stakes" than mine and I let that set me off rather than listening to her view and expressing how hurtful that comment is to me). Since detaching I know that she sees me as not caring as much about her because I'm not automatically deferring.