Go back and read my threads. I tried to blame my W's behavior on her meds too. It isn't the meds (at least not entirely).
Originally Posted by Jb2019
Why is she sending mixed signals? Good things happen but then today she said we need to talk discuss the living arrangements.. that knocked me back down, i don’t even know what to say or how to react. I’ve been trying to do the right things and improve myself, i even handled things very well when she brought this up last week, the living arrangements and divorce. I let her know i’m devoted to changing for myself as well as for her so i can still be happy no matter what she decides. She’s been very unlike herself, hasn’t been saving money or spending wisely, oversleeping, like she’s a different person.
Welcome to the world of the WAW/WW! They are a roller-coaster of words, emotions, and actions. Read other people's sitches here and you will see the same behaviors pretty much across the board.
jb, did you read Cadet's links in his welcome message? If not, do yourself a huge favor, go to the top of forum and click on that thread. Read all of the links. Thoroughly. Take notes if you need to. The fact that you asked this questions makes me question if you have a good grasp of the dynamics at play here.
One other thing. DROP the "as well as for her so i can still be happy no matter what she decides". Working on you should be solely for you. If she takes notice and likes the changes, great. If not, just as well! So many LBSs do the checking over their shoulder while DBing to gauge if that is having an effect. WASs are notoriously good at rooting out this manipulative behavior. They will see it as you changing for show, instead of changing for real and permanently. Many of us were accused of changing "just to get me to change my mind" during our sitches. This is why words are meaningless.
Don't tell her that with your changes she can be happy no matter what she decides......show that to her. The best way to do that is to institute the changes whether she notices or not. Whether she reacts positively or negatively to them. In other words, change because YOU need to change. Regardless of her.
Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. You can't change in a few days or weeks what took years to get into. Dig in for the long haul. Remember all of the things you learn in reading the welcome links.
One last thing, it appears you are watching her like a hawk. "She’s been very unlike herself, hasn’t been saving money or spending wisely, oversleeping, like she’s a different person." At this point you shouldn't even be noticing that! You should be GAL, detaching and working on cementing your 180s. The fact that you are watching her so closely will make her feel like a caged animal. That is pressure and pursuit. You have to let her go to get her back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
JB. Sorry to hear you’re having troubles mate, but you’re in the best place. And trust me- the advice you’ve been getting is spot on. I’m a little further on than you but I did all the begging, pleading, crying, buying presents etc. It didn’t work. It made my W feel pressured, it reinforced that I was the problem she needed to get away from. I’m still going through all this and I’m certainly several levels below the experts on here but TAKE THEIR ADVICE! My wife was messaging guys. I saw some of her messages and the minute I did, I realised I knew what she was up to but I couldn’t confront her as I’d been ‘snooping’. Trust your gut instinct. BUT act like you don’t care. If she is cheating she won’t stop just because you know or ask her to. The only thing that will stop her is having a better option at home so detach and GAL. And if she isn’t cheating, you accusing her will make things worse and drive her to another guy. Jealousy and insecurity are not attractive.
Well if she’s already cheating how are you going to drive her to another guy. I would also argue that sharing your W with another man without consequences isn’t attractive either.
She still uses my debit card some, she hasn’t been saving money even though she would have to so she could afford a divorce, over the past few days she’s been asking if i want to go with her to see a movie with one of her friends, or out to eat with one of her friends, told me where she was going and who with when i didn’t ask anything about it, bought me something i would like for my birthday, trying to get me to talk to her family more (not about anything going on between us, just general conversations), still has us as married on facebook, is giving me until the end of the month to move out when she could just tell me to leave now, was looking for her ring, has been depending on me to make sure she gets up on time (her job is depending on it, if she’s late one more time she’s fired), instead of going ahead with the divorce process she’s been putting it off and spending money on shopping and drinks and other things..there has been more stuff but that is all off the top of my head, i know it’s a lot to read. She really can’t afford to not have me there financially or cleaning/taking care of the house wise. Today she said we need to discuss living arrangements then said she needs to know what my plans are and that i need to let her know these things
Jb - What helped me accept "Believe none of what they say and half of what they do" is trying to come up with the opposite conclusion from what I hoped was the truth.
Some of the below responses sound tongue-in-cheek and obviously they could be completely false, but my point is valid - I can come up with an explanation that is different from yours.
Originally Posted by Jb2019
She still uses my debit card some
Cake-eating (money)
Originally Posted by Jb2019
she hasn’t been saving money even though she would have to so she could afford a divorce
Denial of financial reality
Originally Posted by Jb2019
over the past few days she’s been asking if i want to go with her to see a movie with one of her friends, or out to eat with one of her friends
Friend zone, let him down easy
Originally Posted by Jb2019
told me where she was going and who with when i didn’t ask anything about it
Diversion - throw him off the scent
Originally Posted by Jb2019
bought me something i would like for my birthday
Friend zone, let him down easy
Originally Posted by Jb2019
trying to get me to talk to her family more (not about anything going on between us, just general conversations)
Friend zone
Originally Posted by Jb2019
still has us as married on facebook
Technically true, don't want to deal with changing status then having to explain to everyone in her life what is going on
Originally Posted by Jb2019
is giving me until the end of the month to move out when she could just tell me to leave now
Friend zone, let him down easy
Originally Posted by Jb2019
was looking for her ring
Pawn shop?
Originally Posted by Jb2019
has been depending on me to make sure she gets up on time (her job is depending on it, if she’s late one more time she’s fired)
Cake-eating
Originally Posted by Jb2019
instead of going ahead with the divorce process she’s been putting it off and spending money on shopping and drinks and other things
Denial of financial reality
Originally Posted by Jb2019
She really can’t afford to not have me there financially or cleaning/taking care of the house wise.
Denial of financial reality
Let me give you a crazy example of this. I turned 40 in May. My W had her "college friends" coming to visit and was setting up spare beds. I swore she was going to have her brother come instead, to "protect" her in case I flipped out when she BD'ed me. People thought I was paranoid. Instead... 4 of my close friends surprised me, she had arranged for them to have a weekend bash at my house. It was very thoughtful and a great weekend. Then... a month later, she BD'ed me, and surprised me by having her brother come to the house to "protect" her in case I flipped out.
So... she was nice to me on my birthday. That doesn't mean squat. Your W can still care for you a great deal and still want a D.
