Josh - I struggle to organize my posts because I have so many thoughts running around, but here goes:
The topic of labeling words and actions as Emotional Abuse, or classifying people as BPD or NPD, strikes a nerve with me.
For us NG's, I think this is a trap. Obviously there is real Emotional Abuse, and your W does sound extreme in some cases where maybe it qualifies. But....... NG's allow this to happen. And to some of Sandi's points, NG's actually cause this to happen (and a NG will react to this accusation with extreme defensiveness). A classic NG will say "I am innocent, I was just going along, pleasing my W" when in actuality we are DRIVING our W's to behave in this way. Especially when it comes to control. I know my W is by nature kinda controlling - I also completely played into it by allowing her to become more controlling over the years, by ceding control, by not being a man when I needed to be.
My W works in the mental health field. The tendency to label (or diagnose) words, actions, and people drives me absolutely nuts. I think it can be useful as a starting point to understand someone else better, or learn healthier strategies for interacting with that person, but it can lead down a dark hole. "So-and-so is such a narcissist" etc. I strongly resist labeling, it is only useful to point you towards resources (books, articles, podcasts, etc.) to help learn more. And one should always have a healthy skepticism - once you pick up a book on Emotional Abuse, you will immediately start identifying with every single little detail, but if you step back you will be able to differentiate what is truly abusive, and what is more "normal" relationship conflict.
I have been accused of Emotional Abuse (and worse). I have bought books on Emotional Abuse, from both perspectives. I bought "Should you leave him?" books from the abused female's perspective. One of these books had different chapters for the Abused, the Abuser, and the Mutually Abusive Relationship. Guess what?! You could match the behaviors in my MR to all 3 cases! Or none of them! I could be abused, the abuser, or we could both be abusing the heck out of each other! It's all a matter of degrees. If there is a 15-item questionnaire "Is your relationship Emotionally Abusive?" I guarantee you that every single relationship will tick off some of those boxes. And the more I read these books, the more I realized we are both engaging in many of these behaviors, neither of us in a way that really qualifies us as abusers, and real change would require both of us to change. I've never called my W a bad name, I've never hit her, I've never intentionally gaslighted. The more I read about Emotional Abuse, the more confused I get, the more gaslit I feel, because it has so much gray area.
To Steve's point, a lot of this behavior qualifies as emotional immaturity, baggage or damage. In extreme cases, it is definitely abuse. In the same way, many people exhibit traits of BPD or NPD, but few actually meet the criteria. And whether or not they meet the criteria, it doesn't really change that much how to interact with them. And just because someone has a label or does not, they both can change. The "5 out of 9" criteria in the DSM or whatever they have changed it to doesn't matter - BPD/NPD is an extremely controversial diagnosis precisely because it is so confusing and so many people exhibit some traits but not all, or a mix of several things, and yada yada... my point is all you should care about is what does your W's emotional immaturity mean to you?
Validation and detachment, for example: This is EXACTLY what you are supposed to do interacting with a BPD or NPD. It's also a good way to distance yourself from a WAS, or anybody who is emotionally erratic, or someone you are emotionally tethered to in an unhealthy way. So in some ways learning how to interact with a BPD/NPD is similar to how to interact with a WAW, but that does not necessarily mean the WAW is diagnosable. And again... I think it doesn't really matter what the label or diagnosis is. I don't even like talking about "how to interact with a BPD" - labeling is very reductive and kind of patronizing. So again, I agree with Steve that I view this more as "that person has emotional baggage, just like every single person on the planet."
I do think Emotional Abuse can exist without malicious intent. But it's really really really easy to call something "emotional abuse" when it's really just "relationship conflict." My W called me "financially controlling" because she didn't understand our finances. She never asked! I never withheld money. She has business accounts I have never had access to, nor do I know the value. The day she accused me I printed out all our passwords and account values, and she didn't even look at it for 4 months. Was she gaslighting me? I don't think so. What she felt was a lack of control herself because we moved and she stopped working. So I try to understand the source of her accusation without taking it at face value.
Now, I will say, your W sounds more extreme than mine. My MR issues really started 2-3 years ago, whereas you seem to have had conflict with your W from Day 1.
So going back to my original point -- I've spent over a year now in IC, reading books, listening to podcasts, really trying to understand my own baggage and what's going on in my sitch. Emotional Abuse, BPD, NPD -- all labels. Useful for educating one's self, but don't get overly consumed with deciding whether the label fits or not. I've decided there are only 2 things that matter:
1. NGS is real. Work on myself and fix it. 2. Abuse, BPD, NPD - the labels don't matter. The only thing that matters now is whether my W is willing to work on her baggage.
Baggage in the form of (using your list):
Relationship Scorecard - the barrage of complaints (someone once told me this is called the s@#$ tsunami) where you end up feeling like crap no matter how much validation you employ. Awful way to communicate. I've raised this in MC, it is a condition for R. New Year's Eve she went off with 12 different complaints in a 30 minute barrage.
Interference/Control - Check. Example My W complained our first time in MC last year. about household chores. Then when I agreed to do them, she said I would not hold up my end of the bargain - she actually resisted allowing me to attempt to do them! So we started small: I ended up doing the dishes every day (so she could leave the dish full of dirty dishes and not worry about them), and even then, she would complain I was too noisy, or doing it at the wrong time. I told her, "Listen, this is my task now, as long as I am not waking the kids up or being overly disruptive, please allow me to do the dishes the way I want". That helped. I'm only saying that surmounting the hurdle of extremely controlling behavior can be difficult, but it is is possible. You just have to assert yourself.
Relationship Hostage - Mine has been more subtle, in the form of her distancing herself and stopping communication. Again, a communication style that does not work for me.
Blaming Others - "You make me..." Anytime I hear this now, I always call my W out. I can't make anybody feel a certain way, or make them do anything.
I think it's very healthy to identify the things you would like to see change. Whether or not you call it abuse, you want your W to change those behaviors. Whether or not your W has malicious intent with these behavior also does not matter - you just want your W to change those behaviors.
TLDR: Focus on the behavior changes, not the diagnosis or intent behind the behaviors.
