Persistent Endurance (Part 4)

[curtis7]

You have spent a lot of time and effort in summarizing all this... After everything she has done / her general attitude, do you honestly believe that a speech based on all these other statements will make a difference ?

You say above that you are "done"... But the fact you have spent so much time planning this "speech" in my eyes makes it look like you are very much still attached and are hoping that your one last attempt at "reason" will shake her from this fantasy or turn her thinking.. Your speech will be based on rational and logic... She is working on emotion. My personal take on this is that if you were detached, you would be spending time with the kids / GAL rather than spending time on the analysis above..

Any speech will just result in her cake eating further.. She may cry and let you what you want to hear, but if she wanted you back, she would come back to you... She is still cake eating and enjoying her new life, even if it isnt what she expected.

You need tough love with the ex... and on here people also need to be tough with the fellow LBS...

Get rid of the horse !!!! and either file or at least bag any remaining clothes / items up and get her out of your daily life.. Focus on you and the kids and keep the contact about the kids.. You can do this....

HelpMe, I don’t know if it will make a difference. What I’ve been doing hasn’t stopped her affairs, so do something different. What I know is that I haven’t given her a choice in this manner before. I am not fully detached. However, I am at a crossroads. If she would end her affairs today, I would be willing to work on the MR. If she doesn’t end her affairs, I’m ready for D and to find someone better for myself and my kids. She has enjoyed the luxuries of extreme cake eating and has not felt any fear of loss from me. Delivering this message, giving her the choice, and following through with actions to show tough love is the next step in my plan.

Bear in mind that I gathered these snippets over the past 6+ months. I did spend an exorbitant amount of time here reading through sitch archives trying to find that magical piece of information that could turn my W back towards me. Here’s the thing, it doesn’t exist. In fact, no one knows what may ultimately work in my sitch or if she has absolutely closed the door and nothing will work. I feel this is a message that I need to deliver to start tough love, get the horse out, limit contact with her except for the kids, and move forward.

I do appreciate having a sounding board in this forum. It really helps the LBS thoroughly evaluate their thoughts and consider the possible outcome of words and actions to assess whether it will move us closer to or farther from our goals.

Everything in life is about timing and unfortunately you missed your timing on a grandiose speech you've been researching. What you are planning may have worked in the beginning but right now I am afraid it will completely back fire and end really badly for you. You can't go over for apps and drinks and apartment tours one day and then attempt a scripted ultimatum the next day. There is no way she will take you serious.

Again, let's start with tough love. Trigger goes. No more happy hours and pool parties. Actions that you are done with the bs. Then when your ready you file. No warning you just do it. You can always pull it in the future if it comes to it.

LH, I know that I waited too long. In retrospect, I would have started tough love immediately after discovering the PA in early December. I had way too much fear and shock from BD at that time. I didn’t have the proper tools or know enough about DBing. It took so many months to get to this point and muster the courage. I agree that I most likely missed the best and several other better opportunities with respect to timing. I encourage others reading my sitch to learn from my mistakes and not to take a passive approach with a WW hoping that they will wake up.

I’ve received so much great advice and support here and one reason why I continue to post is so that others may learn what might work or might not work and have a better shot at saving their marriages. I’ve resigned myself to the notion that a choice/ultimatum such as this may gain me nothing. It has seemed to be the best course of action for many others. Better late than never and knowing that I didn’t give her a direct choice. I don’t see how it could backfire, I’ve already lost her and she’s cheating, I feel I’m already living the worst ending. How much worse can it get?