Gerda's Prayer Takes the Form of Angels

[Rita]

When I got home last night,there was an e-mail from a broker copying me and H's lawyer and including all these papers to sign -- they had said they had a buyer for our upstate cabin at a price almost double what the house is worth (and most of what it is worth is mortgaged) and I knew it was BS. So I wrote back to the agent saying, "My husband is having a midlife crisis and is trying to destroy our family. Do not write to me again." This is what I do every time he gives my e-mail to a broker, I want to make sure the broker freaks out and never tries that again. We are in the process of appraising our two places but he is just obsessed with forcing me to sell first. So he sent me the note below.

I am really a mess, like I was just post BD. I mean, I have no hope or desire to stand anymore, though I still plan to stand, so that part is different, but just that feeling that you want to die or crawl under a rock because you don't want the life God is giving you anymore. Or at least that He is allowing. You don't want to trust his plan because his plan is too awful.

And then D14 came to me to talk about his feelings of same sex attraction, and I had to try to navigate that! Every night is a huge conversation with him -- about cutting himself, killing himself, using drugs, and sometimes about that. This is something he never though of til a friend of his told him he (the friend) might be gay, it totally freaked him bout but then since then I think he started looking at things on the internet, etc., and it's the latest thing in his list of things to try to solve his pain. He told me he is attracted to girls as well but doesn't understand.

I don't think I can handle anything more without totally collapsing!

Last night I was getting something to eat and while waiting noticed this man, very handsome, covered with tattoos, because his neck tattoo said, "Deliver us from evil." So I asked him if he prays that prayer, and he said yes, and I said I was battling a lot of evil and said that prayer everyday. And he said, "You are a warrior, you aren't a victim. Don't fear suffering because you are a warrior, and suffering is what makes you strong." And talked about that for a minute and then was gone. I started crying because I felt like God was speaking to me through him. But I haven't been able to get that feeling, of being a warrior. I mostly just want to crawl under a rock. I think seeing my H this evil and having to face the bullying of his L, who was even physically bullying me by getting into my face, this has broken me, I can't see anymore because I have been so devoted to standing, and this is so powerfully evil that it seems impossible to do anything but give in to the vision of my life I do not want. I am not explaining this very well but that's it for now, here is the note H sent, nothing surprising or unusual, I don't even know why I am including it.

Gerda (usually he uses my pet name but he used my really formal name that no one ever uses except formally at work, etc),

You realize that by publicly defaming me by reducing, in one venomous swoop, my sane gesture -- to sell in order to equally distribute what I with my bare hands made -- as "destructive" and as indicative of a "midlife crisis"... this defamation not only hurts, and not only is uncalled for (not to mention it is hardly Christian), but it will go on legal record. I am laboring, you should know, for justice. Not for a midlife thrill. And I am laboring to image myself to my kids in ways that are my own and not yours. So please make an effort to let (versus manipulate) all people, including my kids, decide (in time) which image to gravitate towards.

-- Husband (he used his full formal name)