Anxious, Emotional Neglect, and LRT

[SteveLW]

All, I can't tell you how much your advice means to me. I've learnt as much here on DB and reading Mr. Nice Guy as a year of IC. My IC wraps up (I'm told no longer needed) and this fourm has just been great.

I feel I have taken DB a bit too far and I think Sandi you eluded to that. Today I've opened up a bit more with W. We had a nice evening of fun with kids, TV together, a few good laughs, and chats about all sorts of things other than R.

Man up indeed, and I've seen the small changes in response. Even today asking for my opinion on something as mundane as what take away dinner for a family birthday. The thing is I normally would hold back my opinion and claim whatever, I'm easy. Instead that jerk isn't there and I've been more assertive. I think being too vague about GAL is not good for the anxious. But yeah, smashing post D fantasies and not reacting to emotinal bursts has been good detachment.

Emotional abuse. I don't use the term lightly and I'll provide some examples.

Relationship Scorecard: Always bringing up the past to hurt or to guilt, usually in a barrage of multiple complaints. I end up feeling ashamed (Nice Guy shame), guilty, or profess I'll do better. A no win scenario for me because there is always something that could be brought up. In highly emotive states, especially during her period, my sins have bordered on the ludicrous. Once I was even accused of not laughing. Not sure why I should be laughing during her complaining monologues (Maybe I should). In fact there actually was a hilarious moment in one where I did almost laugh. She complained I was too hairy "down there" which made sex "ALWAYS repulsive" . I validated and then stated it bothered me too so I now I shave. The shock on her face: priceless. Last time this sort of outburst happened I cooly responded but never got angry. Now I didn't know about boundaries then so I didn't assert a consequence.

Inability to handle criticism, even if "trivial". Rections are either reflecting back to me things I do wrong, justification for her actions, or just plain "why are you mean to me?". Usually escalates into other issues if not checked. Can escalate into literal stares of hatred which is truely confronting.

Interfering when not asked and if rebuffed, will respond as if critisized. Example might be cooking (and she is better). If i rebuke her unwanted help it can burst into comments like "I've cooked longer, I'm better than you, ill just do it". Once I asked to just let me fail, but the point was lost on her. Now if it ever happens again, ill validate and just state i need to learn my way.

Relationship Hostage: before BD, arguments can escalate to "i don't feel close you", "I can't be with someone who is mean to me", "I will leave when the kids are older"

Blaming Others for her Emotions: "You make me angry", "You make me eat carbs because I'm stressed". Worst part is that this has been directed to the kids and I never stepped in. To her credit, she caught herself doing this the other day so she's learning. Which I say is because of me since I've directly told her many times that her emotional reactions are her choice only.

Some of these have improved since I've been setting boundaries. The one thing i dont know is if she's aware of her reaction to critism. I'm not willing to test that now and have held back any critism for months in order to ensure no angry reactions or risk any chance of her feeling that nothing changes.

Hope this clarifies what I mean. There is one other thing but I don't think it's toxic and that is she sees the negative side of past events. I see that as just a normal reaction to her current state of mind. I do try to point out the positive when that sort of reflecting comes up ...

I also have to say that dealing with these toxic behaviours would form an R condition if there will ever be any talk of piecing.

I am not sure I agree with the Emotional Abuse tag for these things. To me emotional abuse has intent behind it. Gas-lighting is a perfect example of this. It is awfully hard to gaslight someone without actually setting out to gaslight them.

A lot of what you describe is someone that has issues trying to deal with those issues in unhealthy ways. It doesn't make her a bad person. It makes her a flawed person.

Emotional baggage is a better label. Or emotional immaturity. Or even emotional damage. I know my W has dealt with all three of those due to her childhood. I never felt she was emotionally abusive (IE she wasn't doing it on purpose).

Anyway, I think emotional abuse is greatly over used, especially when dealing with some one with emotional issues just trying to protect themselves.