Anxious, Emotional Neglect, and LRT

[sandi2]

She asked if I was going to the couch. I said no, I'm staying in bed because you are the one who has the problem of being in the same bed. She said when are you going to tell me this. I said right now. Ten minutes later, I presume because she was rattled, she came back and asked about dividing up property. I said it really isn't the right time.

You handled that situation correctly. Whenever you say these type things to her, say it in a way she knows you mean it, and don't be snide about it. She has threatened and bluffed about leaving for so long, now you are forcing her to show

She was upset about a previous conversation where I asked her how will she afford to be in an apartment without a job? Well I said I asked her that because I'm not supporting her. She was in a panic. "Are you going to support me? Should I be nervous about anything?". I just said no, but all options are on the table.
her cards and it rattles her.

The more reality that is thrown at her, the better. She fantasizes about living in a nice apartment with all her new freedom, and you picking up the tab. And she doesn't even work? Yeah, she needs to know you will not be supporting her. Before you say too much, check it out with a lawyer to see where you stand and what you would have to do financially should she D you.

But now I'm really confused about DB. So yeah, I've been detached for a long period of time in the marriage. Not standing up, keeping conflict away. But that is not what I'm doing now. I'm still emotionally detached, but now I'm validating and setting boundaries when they are crossed. So the difference is there is validation now and boundary setting. I'm not angry and never escalated any argument. She is the one angry ATM. I just validate and avoid R talk. Cold? We laugh at times, we have good convos between her angry outbursts. It genuinely feels at times like we are married. I don't talk about deep things, but then I never did. I don't reach out for emotional support. When she does I just validate. Given that I've been emotionally blunted is that the appropriate response now? Maybe I need to be more emotionally involved? Be more vulnerable?

I think detaching is the most misunderstood part in DBing. It is talked much more on the board than in the book. DBing detachment doesn't mean you don't stand up for yourself. It does not mean you necessarily avoid conflict, b/c you don't shy away it. But if she's just a drama queen, then you don't get emotionally involved in all of that stuff. But if she comes at you angrily, then you stand your ground and deal with the issue like a strong, confident man who is not afraid to stand up to her nose to nose. Don't argue, just state whatever you need to say and be done with it if she won't shut up. But don't crawl in a shell and roll up in a ball. She needs to see a man who has found his b@lls, and is not afraid to put her in her place. Sometimes, that's what you have to do in order for her to shut up and listen. I'm not advocating anything physical. I think a man can say things in an authoritative voice, and most women will calm down. Sometimes he can speak in a soft voice, but look straight into her eyes, and she knows he means business. You are the man of the house, so put your rightful pants on.

Now, if she is off her rocker, then nothing is going to work, except treatment. However, if you have seen her respond positively to some things already, then I think she wants to see masculine leadership, strength, confidence, etc. in you. I think she threatens about leaving, b/c it's all she has to hold over your head. She has not job, so she is totally dependent on you for her welfare. I don't know how you manage the finances, or if there has been any problems, but that can cause a lot of anxiousness for the one dependent on you. The most important thing to remember (if she truly is a bully) is show no fear. If she wants to leave, then fine, but she doesn't get to get up in your face screaming & threatening.

I think she went for years needing a lot of validation, reassurance, and emotional intimacy. When she didn't get it, she turned on you in an aggressive manner, and you retreated. She lost respect for you, and that kills her attraction and feeling in love. So, as I said previously, you have to get her respect for you, first. You do that by being the man in the home, in the relationship, dealing with the kids, business, whatever area of life.

I did not mean to confuse you when I asked you if you were showing the same picture she had seen in you the past ten years. If you tend to get caught up in her drama, then of course you need to detach from it. However, it doesn't mean to craw up in a shell, either. It doesn't mean you snub her, treat her badly, cold, or act as if you are mad all the time. I'm going to copy & paste a short version of DBing Detaching.

I'm not sure how she treats you. You've said she was anxious, and I think you said she emotionally bullied you or were manipulative. Can you tell me more about this?

If she is an emotional abuser and you don't want to deal with it anymore, then pull all the way back and have nothing to do with her. I don't think it will resolve the MR, nor do I think she'll change, without her getting professional therapy. I am not sure where you stand with the M, if you want in or out. If you want in.....based on her changing, then I think how you approach her needs to be in such a way that it sends that message to her......that you are not going to tolerate bad behavior anymore.

Another key is to show consistency. In other words, know within yourself where you stand, and reflect that message to her through the methods you use in approach and response.

You mentioned she had an EA at one time. Did you learn much about this EA, and did you confront her about it? How did it end?