Persistent Endurance (Part 4)

[curtis7]

Squiggy
"This is new territory for me. I believe that I am giving you the space you asked for. As for open communication, I am ready to listen if you would like to talk."

Zues126
Myself, I wouldn't remain with someone that had cheated and not recommitted. I would distance myself and then explain to her that as much as I wanted the M to work she had opted out of the M and that 'not sure' was as far from a commitment as 'I want a divorce', and that I deserved a committed partner that was willing to fight for the M and to regain my trust. Since she can't provide that I am going to be taking steps towards physical separation and will be filing for divorce. This wouldn't be a bluff, I wouldn't be willing to live with that. If she changes her tune I'd listen to what she had to say, but if she blames me for ruining any chances I'd keep walking all the way to the court because that is f'd up.

Ctflor
"I will not have this. You cannot communicate with her and be with me, period. You cannot see her, cannot work with her, all of it must be cut off or that is it".

Wonka
I am going to reiterate this only once more so that my boundary is abundantly clear to you. It is inappropriate and disrespectful for a spouse to bring a third party into the M. It does not work for me to live in an open marriage. I make no apologies for attempting to protect our marriage from an interloper. If and when you decide to end things with the OM, I'd be ready and willing to work with you on rebuilding the marriage. Until then, I will be cordial with you on logistics regarding our children.

TxHubby
What turned the tide for us was first, exposure, and then I finally said I've had enough of this. You're not sure about me after 26 years of love, caring, loyalty, etc.? Well fine, I'm done. I'm moving on with my life. I don't care what you do, I'm not pursuing you any more. Have a nice life. Whatever was left of her MLC disappeared in a microsecond and all of the sudden this woman that wasn't sure about me couldn't bear to lose me and she knows she screwed up and she only wanted me, blah blah blah.

TxHubby
No problem. I've found that a lot of us need tough love in these situations. The "I can't decide" sh!t that comes out of cheaters mouths really pisses me off. We are all people of worth. You can't decide about me after 26 years of loyal, loving, caring marriage together? Well then screw you. I'll decide for you. I'm moving on with my life. I want you but I don't need you. I'll be fine and I'll meet someone great who treats me like I deserve. I took that approach and it instantly killed her MLC. Their AP's are never the better choice. Their AP's are the kind of people who get involved with married people so you're a way better person than they are right from the start. Honestly, once I removed myself as one of her choices, and even started talking to other women, that did the trick. We're still married and I love her deeply but she's now fully aware that I want her but don't need her.

TxHubby
She wants to live a fantasy. Real life isn't near as glamorous and is full of challenges. Hopefully she wises up and realizes fantasies are just that and real life is whatever you make of it. I hope she realizes that before she ruins the best thing in her life.

TxHubby
No. I took the wrong approach and went passive, so many here are doing. That was failing miserably. OMW found out and had the guts to explode the whole thing. That did the trick. Truth be told she had no interest at all in saving her marriage but it did cause her own wayward spouse to go NC with his AP's and beg and plead for her to take him back. That's the desired result for any betrayed spouse. Now I swear by exposure. I didn't have the guts or wisdom at the time to do it myself but if I ever found myself in a position like that again you better believe I'd expose to the world. Not in a mean way but in a we're having this crisis in our marriage and I need all your help in helping us get past it and heal from it as a couple. Affairs are absolutely dependent on keeping them a secret. Once they're exposed they can't survive. That is when the fog dissipates and you can work on fixing the marriage. It is not guaranteed, nothing is, but it's your best chance.

Mowgli
I realized that I had been living my life passively and letting the winds take me where they wanted. I realized that I had been letting people pull me in 20 different directions and that I had not only lost control of my own life, but that I was actually afraid of taking that control back. Once I realized what I wanted and needed for myself and from those around me, that fog lifted and it was then that I knew I was going to be ok no matter the outcome. I believe that the confidence I found within myself and the changes I had been making the 3 months prior to exposing the A led me to the outcome I experienced. I was ready and prepared for W to up and leave. I had emotionally prepared myself for that through detachment. I still held on to the hope that things might change for us and the path might turn back towards the M, but that wasn't my priority. I understood that my W had to be faced with a real sense of loss before any of that could happen, but I didn't know where that was going to come from. Ultimately, it came from me exposing the A to her, telling her that I would be talking to a Lawyer the next day, but that currently I was content with the living arrangement we currently had (her living downstairs).

Rockedworld
"I know the truth now about you and OW. I want you to know that I am devestated, but that I also love you and I am going to fight for this M. I am willing to forgive you and work through a healing and re-building process, but only if OW is out of your life completely in every way." I was very calm. I was very firm. I was very sure.

Rockedworld
In the days after confronting my H, I focused on communicating to him that I do not want a D, that I am willing to work on our issues, my own and help him with his but only if there is NC with OW. I "kept the road paved" back to the M if that is what he chose, but with the clear boundaries in place. I then backed off, took care of myself and the kids. I let the R with OW self-destruct. Which it did. When OW found out I knew everything, she thought that was her chance to push hard to get H to move out and move in with her. She showed her true colors in not caring about impact on me and kids. This was a huge wake up for H. I made myself "the better option".