Let me clarify: We've been in separate beds for 9 months. On a pre-planned vacation we were in the same bed for 2 nights. She was uncomfortable and said it felt like backwards steps. I was going out for the evening and agreed on the couch for that night. The next night I stayed in the bed. She asked if I was going to the couch. I said no, I'm staying in bed because you are the one who has the problem of being in the same bed. She said when are you going to tell me this. I said right now. Ten minutes later, I presume because she was rattled, she came back and asked about dividing up property. I said it really isn't the right time. She was upset about a previous conversation where I asked her how will she afford to be in an apartment without a job? Well I said I asked her that because I'm not supporting her. She was in a panic. "Are you going to support me? Should I be nervous about anything?". I just said no, but all options are on the table.
So to summarise, when she announced that "she is single", I didn't say anything other then "OK, I can understand that is how you feel". Just validation.
But now I'm really confused about DB. So yeah, I've been detached for a long period of time in the marriage. Not standing up, keeping conflict away. But that is not what I'm doing now. I'm still emotionally detached, but now I'm validating and setting boundaries when they are crossed. So the difference is there is validation now and boundary setting. I'm not angry and never escalated any argument. She is the one angry ATM. I just validate and avoid R talk. Cold? We laugh at times, we have good convos between her angry outbursts. It genuinely feels at times like we are married. I don't talk about deep things, but then I never did. I don't reach out for emotional support. When she does I just validate. Given that I've been emotionally blunted is that the appropriate response now? Maybe I need to be more emotionally involved? Be more vulnerable?
In terms of what I want: Originally to keep the M. But the more I go down this DB hole the more I'm not so sure. I would like to still keep the M, but with strings attached (e.g. we go to counselling, I agree to be more emotionally connected, she agrees to work on less emotional abusive behaviour). I believe this is achievable as I've seen the positive feedback loop. She already has dialed down the abusive behaviour and even once apologised, something I've never seen in 10 years. But then if she won't change I'm not sure if that would be enough for me. Confused? Yeah for sure! I'm aware I played a BIG part in the demise of M. And for all purposes her behaviour is a direct reflection of that and not her true self. But since it started so early, I'm not so sure.
So consider my answer on the fence, I'm more comfortable for it to go either way. I kept my wedding ring on for so long as I felt hope. I just removed it last week after she was very clear that "I'm single". I felt, OK. That's clear. I'm really fired as H. Why keep the ring?
To clarify, the defining moment of going downhill was when we first moved in. She wanted something in a particular closet. I disagreed. She went off. I tried to explain but all I got was justification on why she was right. This pattern continued on until I felt I didn't want to argue. Happened so much with the birth of our first baby. If I didn't heat the bottle exactly right I got criticised. I just fell back into my CEN behaviour which is to say nothing, avoid conflict, build resentment. And the sex started to fall away, further generating complaints. As a Mr. Nice Guy I felt it extremely difficult to initiate sex in this situation. And she mostly didn't either as she considered it begging). But she was happy to complain that it wasn't her job to initiate.
In any event, I accept that I might be way to late to the DB party. And I accept there might be nothing I can do to save M. GAL has really made a difference to boost my mood.
