Hey Steve. I have acknowledged plenty. I've had plenty of therapy over the years, and read so many psych articles, and books, and the DSM V but that doesn't mean I can change my whole personality. I can be more aware of things. Attempt to respond differently to certain situations, rehearse an action plan if I find myself in one of those situations. Attempt emotional regulation. But it feels so rehearsed. But the way I think act and feel is the way I just am. My thoughts are my thoughts, meaningful, scattered, over analytical, emotional, my choices are sometimes good and concise and sometimes poor. I have a low frustration tolerance, and a medium temperament. With histrionic negative mindset sometimes. I snap out of it and get positive, but not until I find a release for that emotion. Mild impulse control, etc. Some day that I want to do the work and other days I don't. I was just talking to the wife about this tonight. I don't want to filll my head with anymore complexities than I already have. It's almost like reading 500 text books on psych and behavior and the author saying to be more like what we say and less like yourself. I want to change I just don't know if my deeply ingrained personality will ever let me. People here tell me all the time I write too much I think too much I feel too much, I don't think enough. I talk too much, my opinions are too controversial, too broad or too narrowminded. I seek attention too much. The truthful matter is I'm not seeking attention from anyone. I do enjoy it. Especially from female companions and loved ones I can relate to. But I don't need it. Trying to figure out how to be a better improved version of myself, is like saying. I know what I have to change but i don't know how to do it in action. just because I understand something intellectually and emotionally. doesn't mean I know how to consistently apply it. I'm one of those stubborn people that desires change and always wants to better himself, but can't seem to stay committed to it. the only way people like me learn is through hard times and pain, where the risk is so great that the reward forces you to change. I think I need to be alone for once in my life to figure that part of me out. it's difficult unlearning bad habits and creating new ones. sometimes I wonder if I'm a product of my environment and my upbringing, and my social and work environment. I just don't know? it's weird I've always known who I am but I never knew who I wanted to be, but yet I wanted to be like everyone else but yet I still want to be me more. I explain things so much cuz I always feel misunderstood. it's really hard for me to let go of who I was and am and begin to whom I want to be.
This has no reflection on you good sir or anyone here for that matter. Someone once told me. "Opinions are like @$$holes, everybody's got one." (That my construction blatency coming out in me.) I'm loaded with opinions so I guess that makes me an @$$hole. I find a lot of truth in that statement though no one ever interpret the world the way yourself does. Some personalities play well together and some don't. there was a demonstration I saw once on this CD about how Benjamin Franklin develop his character principles and how every time he met someone new he tried to improve on them, I brought that into therapy years ago. Do you think I followed through with it or change anything about me as a result of it? I'm too busy just trying to live like everyone else I don't know how much time I can do go to work on myself. This is why therapy is useful to me but meaningless. I learn so much but its hard for me to keep a beginners mind and apply it. Im not making any sense anymore. Sorry for the ramble. I'm addicted to this site, my situation and everyone's stories so much that I've forgotten how to be myself at times, and focus my energy on myself.
