Anxious, Emotional Neglect, and LRT

[sandi2]

It feels like we are married sans anything physical. I'm on a family holiday and we've been sharing a bed. First time in 9 months.

What!? I'm confused. So, the only way you're really separated is sexually?

W has been dropping little barbs like I snore too much, forgot how that ruined my life. My POV is she never set the boundary. No touching in bed, nice chats, all good. Well today at dinner she said she hates it, I have to sleep on the couch, it's been stressing me this trip, thats why im eating lots of chocolate. Oh and we are friends and "I'm single". She's mentioned the friend thing before, but first time she said single. She also reminded me (again) she wants to move out with kids.

And again, she's trying to get you to stand up to her. What did you say? What did you do, beside eat chocolate?

I'm detached outside (but hurting inside).

But isn't that the picture you've always given? You are hurt inside, but God forbid you say or do anything that might go against something she says. You just do whatever she dictates. Hasn't your pattern been to crawl in your shell and say nothing back? I think she's seen you emotionally detached for most of your M, and that's one of the problems. She has felt your detachment for ten years.

I'm really going up and down in emotions because I don't think I've fully detached. I feel removing my wedding ring (she did so months ago) might be a symbolic effort to show detachment.

What is your goal.......to save the M or show her how detached you are? I don't think you should make some symbolic show of detachment.

Josh, don't confuse detachment to mean you act cold or angry.

I'm not sure if W is really suitable for who I now am becoming. IC warned me of this. I really feel now that unless she can make enough changes (so far minimal) my needs need to be filled elsewhere. In otherwords she can't satisfy what I now need in a relationship. And I see her thinking about my boundaries too.

So, do you want to be married to her, or married to a better version of her? The two of you may not be suitable for each other, after ten years of an unhappy MR. I'm still reading through your thread, and maybe I'll find something that changes my opinion, but right now I think your new found self could be overshadowed by something a little less admirable if you aren't careful and stay self aware. She may be Jezebel incarnated for all I know, but I don't think you can leave this MR pointing all fingers at her for its demise. You can call her anxious or whatever, but until I read more, she sounds like a woman who did not get the emotional support she needed.

It's hard to know if her anxiety was always there, I created it, or, as I suspect, I brought out what was already there.

Conditions can develop in relationships. Couples usually feed off each other. If one is negative, has had emotional difficulties or needs certain emotional support from the other spouse......it can go south in a MR if the other spouse doesn't know exactly what to do (and that's not counting big problems that crop up). Obviously, all of us here experienced a MR that was lacking some tools needed. Some were able to find out what to do in time to save the M, and some didn't. And, it's not that DB didn't work, but that it was too late by the time the newcomer arrived to get the information.

Indeed, I vividly recall the moment 10 years ago when I avoided the first big issue of her boundary violation.

Can you explain?

I'm very aware of how I did this and how my emotional neglect messed up every prior relationship in pretty much the same way.

Although it's sad, be glad that you can see and are on track to change the future.

I doubt the changes I need from W would be accepted for a new MR.

What do you mean?

I'm not being negative, for sure if there was reconciliation a positive feedback loop could occur. She could change enough when accepting my changes as she has grudgingly admitted three months ago I've changed and am the H she wants. But right now I could go either way and I'm fine with that.

When someone goes through a major transformation, they see they can no longer settle for what they took in the past. In other words, if you know you can no longer live with the woman your W has become, then you need to know within yourself what you want in a relationship/wife. Perhaps one day this subject can be discussed between you & W. Right now, neither of you seem too sure of wanting one another. I agree that both of you need to change. It's hard and takes a lot of work......and a lot of "want to".

People change in a MR. Sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it's not. ((hugs))