Daily rollercoaster of emotions

[Nyla79]

Yikes, I went to see my H tonight to talk about the kids.

I was quite annoyed with him when I went, but was able to shake it off and be pleasant with him. We actually had a nice conversation for the longest time before we started to talk about the kids and a lot of eye contact from him. I said to him that I would either prefer that he spends time with the kids regulary or not at all, because the irregularity is so much harder on them. And he wants to spend time with them more. I told him about our son crying on Sunday because he misses him and it got him a bit emotional.

In the end of our sitting down, I asked him are you doing ok? He said no he’s not. I said that you know if you ever need to talk, I’m always here. He said he wouldn’t know how to even start, and was quiet for a long time. I said it’s quite easy, you just tell me I need to talk and I’ll listen. He kind of laughed about it but continued that he wouldn’t know where to start talking. So I didn’t want to push more and I said whenever and if you’re ready, I’m here to listen.

Then we started to walk to my car and for some reason we started to talk about S10 again and I told him how I had told S10 that it is good that he cried and talked about his feelings to me on Sunday that even though it’s hard, it is so bad to bottle them all inside, and he said like I am. Then I said that you shouldn’t do that, and was just quiet. Then he started to talk.
He’s not happy. He misses the kids every day. He said that when this thing started you think it goes one way and then you realize it didn’t and now he has messed up 6 peoples lives (I guess that’s all of us and the OW) and he doesn’t think it can be fixed. That he feels like he’s in a rollercoaster and he can’t get off. And at the same time he doesn’t even know where he wants to get off, because life is not completely bad. He enjoys spending time with his friends. (Like I have told him for years that he should spend time with his friends and not just home and work) but still something is missing.

He feels like he’s just an (insert bad word). I was just validating and telling him that things are not always black and white and that he shouldn’t be too hard on himself. The biggest thing I take from this is that he realizes that he needs to go and talk with someone. And he said not a friend or family but someone who doesn’t know him. And he was going out to dinner with his boss so he said he can’t talk to me more about this, because then he would cry.

He did say that the underlying reasons why this happened (that he never talked to me about) are still there. I just nodded and agreed, and told him I was sorry he was having a hard time and that I really would want him to be happy and ok.

It is so hard not to get my hopes up, but at the same time he didn’t say he wants to come home, he didn’t say he misses me, and as long as he’s living with her and not getting help, I guess I’ll just continue on my path (hard as it is) and leave him to fix his own mess. Of course, I’ll be nice and help if needed, but I will not try to get involved and help him unless asked.

I’m very confused now…It really is a rollercoaster, I wanted to tell him that you should try living in my shoes for a while and you’ll know what a rollercoaster ride really feels like.