Hey Steve. I just got to that point where I'm so miserable in that house, in this situation with her, other than when I'm doing some GAL things Im just F@$KIN MISERABLE. I feel ignored, used, disrespected, unwanted, unloved, gas lighted, blamed, shamed and plenty of other things. I made a lot of bad mistakes and I feel really guilty about them I'm going to have to take that to the grave. I haven't made much improvement on any of them between all the conflicting advice on the way I interpreted here, and because I'm always focused on this 24/7, and never on myself. Im just ready to say F@$K it, the house, and her and move on. Its just not worth the mental stress to me anymore. Always reading different things here and elsewhere always focusing on this. Sure I intellectualize it but I don't know how to apply don't know if I'll ever change. I'm just the way I am and she is the way she is despite both of us doing our own individual work on ourselves. I've gradually Seen Her Go from 50% to 80% to 99% divorce in 10 months, change her plans several times on depending on her circumstances and monetary situation. Seeing all these wild and crazy ideas for these independent lifestyle fantasies across the country, some probability of an OM but no confirmation. every time we have to have a discussion about the logistics I get to hear the blame and shame list again because she thinks I'm holding her back and holding her up and I've always operated things on my own timeline and she's felt dismissed throughout the marriage. She's right for years it was my way or the highway. I've done a lot of bad $hit and I wish I could make up for it but I can't it's too little too late. in the beginning of our marriage I knew it was going to end this way because I'm a F@$k up with a good heart, and I make too many mistakes. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy of mine with relationships. I knew she was eventually going to leave me seven years ago because everything she demanded of me I didn't fulfill an on her timeline, but i did fulfil it. On the other hand a lot of these things I've been blamed and shamed for some of them haven't been that much big of a deal but maybe it was to her. People say they like to forgive and forget but they don't ever forget. They will bring that $hit up 5 years later. I'm done with people who think and act like this. (Insert misogynist comment here.) So much trust has been broken, with absolutely no attempt on her and to attempt to repair it with me. she doesn't like the silent tension around the house that she created with her hardened heart. When in all truth the only thing I was doing was giving her her space. I've initiatied way too many relationship talks over the last 10 months. probably validated to her way too many things that I was guilty of what I can't change in the past or demonstrate now unless it is towards what she wants which is to sell the house and get away from the marriage. I don't want to be Plan B I don't want to C or Plan D. I know it sounds egocentric but I will not be strung along waiting in the wings in case she actually does make a mistake and decides to return after exploring her new life, and her new super awesome Confident self that she's looking at hopefully to metamorphosize into a butterfly from all the self-help stuff she reads but never applies. (Sound familiar?) I don't want to wait around for 2 years while she gets to start a new life. Make new friends and supposedly travel around the country. I don't want to keep criticizing her and I don't want her to keep criticizing me. we are both tired of going for the jugular with each other every time something important comes up and my decisions don't agree with hers. I'm just sick of it. I just want peace, and just want to be happy me again. So last night I said F@$k it. I took that last 1% of doubt in her mind I pushed it right over the edge. She had her little moment, cry. Ask a few questions talked about some more casual things and she went to bed. I was almost stoic about it. I love her dearly but maybe this is for the best after all. I want to give her time and space but not at the expense of breaking up the family and dividing the marital home. I have broken too many trust issues because of my lack of actions and my bad attitude, and avoidance on certain things for a time. I'm tired of getting a list of all the things I didn't do get thrown at me every time things get heated and shouldering the blame for everything about why she's so unhappy. It sad I've never got acknowledged for all the good and wonderful things I did since she became this person 12 months ago. I've been having nightmares and I haven't been sleeping, haven't been eating well and haven't been taking care of my health. been working overtime like a dog. The house is a dump and I'm too tired and too uninterested to even attempt anything. and the whole time I'm asking myself why am I wasting my time and my money and my life in this situation for a family and a W that doesn't want anymore. I've been putting too much emphasis story telling and story reading on here and other places. I can't nice her back and I can't mean her back, I can't change her back and I can't demonstrate that I've changed which I probably haven't much I don't think I ever will. she doesn't want to work on it. She wants to mediate with me towards divorce. I just said fine. What am I going to do fight her on it? Im resigned and miserable. I'm still a little sad and angry but I do feel a bit relieved. I'm just at a point where it's like you know what? the hell with it it's just a house it's just a legal piece of paper and just a meaningless declaration. She wants her Freedom? She can have it and she can keep it. I'm tired of working towards all this division, when I could be working towards regaining myself and a life without her. I don't want it to be this way orwa end this way. But it's not going to be at the cost of my mental sanity anymore. I'm tired of fighting it. I'm just going to go with it and get it over with. we are both going to work together towards the mediator the divorce and a division of everything and the house still I just want to get this done and over with. too many trust issues have been violated and neither one of us is willing to work on it together so what the hell is the point? we might as well both agree to divorce and both work together towards it in a friendly manner and be good co parents. we may be attending a few family functions together but I know it doesn't mean anything. I'm not turning course from this. I have to run this ship until the land because of her decisions to end the M then I will. I'm not done loving her but I'm done with this marriage, and I'm done with the situation. Sorry if I'm an all-or-nothing guy. Just the way I am. Im going to have to divorce to be able to work on me. If he sees any changes and wants back okay great if she doesn't okay great either way. I've made enough mistakes I've gotten enough guff, and I've experienced enough pain to know when to quit. I'm done focusing on ever considering reconciling. I need to just plow through this hammer out the logistics get it done and move on with my life as much as it hurts me to do it
