All you say is true. It's hard to know if her anxiety was always there, I created it, or, as I suspect, I brought out what was already there. Indeed, I vividly recall the moment 10 years ago when I avoided the first big issue of her boundary violation. I never stood up, and the issues started then. Because of NCS, I resented her even though I didn't know it. And I just went on passively through life, avoiding sex, doing what she said, and building the foundation for resentment that she has now. I'm very aware of how I did this and how my emotional neglect messed up every prior relationship in pretty much the same way.
I also know what kind of woman I seem to attract and, unfortunately, I doubt the changes I need from W would be accepted for a new MR. I'm not being negative, for sure if there was reconciliation a positive feedback loop could occur. She could change enough when accepting my changes as she has grudgingly admitted three months ago I've changed and am the H she wants. But right now I could go either way and I'm fine with that.
My POV on separation is that she initiated it, she needs to define what the boundaries are. Six months in separation we almost reconnected. She admitted it didn't feel like a separation. It got to the point where I was mentioning sex a lot and wanted to initiate. She was warming up (In hindsight I pursued too much I have to say). Eventually we tried. And she stopped midway to say she couldn't do it. She apologised, dressed up, and that was the start of a colder W leading to where I am now.
I'm DBing since then. All pursuit has ceased. And yeah, shes uncomfortable because she hasn't fully articulated her separation boundaries. But at the same time, she complains about how aweful living with me is and blows up. But t hasn't actually moved out. So when she's calm, it's like 80% of how when we were married. In other words, she has bren all talk so far. I believe she is capable of moving out. Maybe she's waiting on property settlement to secure her future. Which I'm stalling on. I don't know. Her separation, her move.
Right now I'm DBing and its effing hard. It feels aweful to know I'm creating short term negativity by delaying sms responses, or disappearing after dinner without chatting. It's so 180 from who I was. And I admit the space I love. I remind myself if it doesn't work to try something different. But you know what? Before BD she would sometimes do the same. Isolate herself. In any event I'm at peace in a way like never before and she is depressed and upset like never before. And that's OK for now.
I've been waiting for your valuable insights Sandi, thank you.
