Persistent Endurance (Part 4)

[curtis7]

There is more that I’ll share another time

Here is the more from last night. W came over to ride her horse. S8 started asking me questions if we were going to have to move and when he was going to stay at moms again. He must be getting more keen on picking up on vibes that W and I are giving off through this process. I need to be more diligent about keeping a PMA around the kids so they feel safe. I told him I don’t know what is going to happen in the future, but right now there are no plans for us to leave this house.

W also told me on Sunday that she was doing better mentally and she thinks she will be ready to take the kids back in about a week, so full custody was short-lived. I now have a pretty good idea why she didn’t want the kids around for awhile. That’s another story, but let’s just say it seems she made a poor choice in partners.

I shared the living arrangement plan with S8. In the past, almost daily, I would reassure both kids that I love their mother, how important she is to me, and that she needs time to figure things out. This time, as detachment continues to improve, I told S8 that he and D4 were the most important people in my life. He noticed the change in my wording by leaving W out and it upset him.

S8 went outside to say goodnight and goodbye to W. D4 also went outside, then she came in and said mom wanted to talk with me.

I went out and W asked me why S8 was crying and if I told him we might have to move. I said no and explained what I said which he must have interpreted differently. W agreed that S8 can be manipulative and has been known to exaggerate to get what he wants. W wanted me to stay and talk about co-parenting and other things the kids might have said. I told her I didn’t think it was appropriate to share and that I wasn’t prepared to have that conversation with her. She continued to press and said she had a right to know.

I stood there and thought about it for awhile, then refused to disclose any of things they have told me confidence. I told W that I’ve shielded her from several things they’ve said, she kept digging and again said she had a right to know. I just said the kids sense things and I try to reassure them but can’t make any promises or tell them everything is going to be ok from now on. I told her that it goes against my beliefs to violate their trust or lie to them.

She said I could do a better job of massaging the truth with them so they feel safe. I told her I do what I can to let them know that she loves them. She asked if this arrangement is no longer working and I told her I’m not sure and would have to think about it.

She seemed surprised that this all came about a few days after them being away from her. She said she is a bad person and a narcissistic bitch. She said she is tired of people telling her she’s not. She didn’t get any sympathy from me. I told her that I’ve noticed she is a different person since this all started and this is not the person that I knew for so long. She said maybe this is who she truly is. I said you might be right. Didn’t try to convince her otherwise. She said she’s confused and doesn’t know what she wants.

She refused to share why she wanted me to take the kids. She said she had an epiphany much like I did when she gave me the BD letter. She brought up the time I came over in early May to confront her. She remembers me saying that I don’t want to live in an open marriage and she said she didn’t either, which I now understand means she doesn’t want to be married to me, so that she no longer needs to live in an open marriage if there is no marriage.

W said she’s dealing with a lot of problems right now. I asked if she was seeing someone about that or getting help from an IC. She said no and that her free sessions ran out. I offered her my company sessions and she said she would think about it and would probably go back to the same MC we saw in January that was pro-D...great.

She said we’ve only been separated for just over 3 months and that’s not a long time. She said between her projects, work, the kids, and everything else that she hasn’t had time to figure things out. She kept using superlatives like always, never, everything about our past. Still dwelling on the negatives. She felt like nothing at our house was hers and that everything was given to her. I told her that I acknowledge that we would have none of this if it wasn’t for the two of us working together to obtain it for so long. I told her it took a lot of courage to leave and could see that she likes the independence and knowledge that everything she has over there is hers alone. She said she recently thought how much easier it would be to come back for the materialistic things but she doesn’t know that she wants that anymore.

I asked her if there was anything else she wanted to share right now (pretty sure she knew I was implying coming clean about the OM). She thought long and hard about it silently for about a minute with her eyes twitching back and forth. I was just looking at her in disbelief and knew the answer that was coming. Then she finally said no and that she was going to leave. I said ok, turned around and walked in the house.

She honestly believes that I don’t know what she’s done with these multiple OM. She thinks all I know is that she texts them. I had no desire to keep that lying, deceitful woman in my presence any longer. She can go find her green grass. I just wish I didn’t have to lose out on half my kids life because of her selfishness. I remained calm and fairly confident throughout, thought through my words carefully, tried to maintain my composure and validated her feelings occasionally. I spoke about my feelings a couple times and tried not to make it accusatory towards her or her character.

I’m disappointed that I allowed this talk move from the kids/parenting to her to a bit of relationship issues. Fortunately, I mostly listened and avoided escalation or saying too much. She was visibly shaken and near tearing up when she realized the kids are feeling the impacts of her choices and also when she talked about not being able to figure out what she wants.

I feel somewhat at peace with everything, the betrayal numbs the pain. Her choices have taken so much of my love and respect away from her. She can go be happy with OM and divorced BFF, I want something better and more honest and moral for myself and my kids.