Anxious, Emotional Neglect, and LRT

[sandi2]

Hi Josh, I've been away a few days, so just trying to catch up on your thread. Your sitch is very familiar to me, so I am going to talk extremely straight with you. You've recently had a breakthrough in therapy. I think that's terrific, and I can understand how you would be eager to approach your MR with a better sense of the man you should have been all along. Sadly, your W feels the results of your nice guy syndrome. After ten years, she has a lot of anger. I'm not sure if you really understand what it does to a woman who does not have her emotional needs met by her H, but it usually turns her into an unattractive person........unless she happens to be exceptional. Even if there are no personality disorder or some other mental issue, just being a W with a somewhat strong personality can cause a bad dynamic when she has a H with NGS.

She has a lot of anger b/c she feels you neglected her emotional intimacy needs. Now, maybe some guys automatically assume when the word "intimate" is used it means "sexually", but that's not always the case. Being the complex creature that she is, it has more to do with how you make love to her by communicating how she is valued, special, feminine, sexy, smart, beautiful, loved, etc. It is, also, you communicating how she makes you feel like a confident man, fulfills you sexually, inspires you, etc. These are expressions that make women feel great, and I would think it makes the man feel pretty good, as well. This is another way of making love, and I think every spouse has certain emotional needs they want their mate to fill. A lot of men simply don't know how to express these things, or don't understand how important it is to a woman for her H to communicate these messages in a loving, intimate manner. Maybe she never told you what she needed. Whatever her emotional needs were, she felt they were neglected for a long time, so now........she's fed up and feels done. Let me add something else. It's natural for a wife to look to her H to fill these needs, just as it is for him to want her to fill his EN. The trick is to learn what she needs. If she won't tell you, then you have to try different things, and watch her response.

It's unfortunate that the two of you are currently in different emotional time zones. Just as you feel "reborn", she feels like she's dead. You want to show her affection, but she is not in the same time zone. The harder you try to show her how much you love her and want to make up for lost time.......the more you'll push her away. So, you will have to deal with things in different approach than you might have originally thought.

Living under the same roof in an "in-house separation" is extremely challenging. IMHO, the spouses don't have clear house rules and don't understand their roles in this arrangement. The spouse who wanted the separation wants to play family when it's convenient or when it means going on vacation, sharing holidays or other special events. However, that spouse wants certain freedom, and if their mate gets too close then they scream foul. Did you & your W discuss any time limit for this separation? Will the two of you be seeking any type of guidance or assistance to help reconcile the MR? Were there any ground rules discussed? I gather that not much has been determined, since there was a family vacation, and you aren't sure where you'll be sleeping. Here's the problem. You are really separated, so you don't know what to do from day to day activities. She's basically not sleeping with you, while still benefiting from being M to you, right?

I'm still not at the point where I can confidentially bust up my family by walking away (She already tried to manipulate me to do that, and I stood my ground). She has so many other great attributes like bringing joy to life in a way I can't. I could almost accept her silly tricks if I knew she was putting in an effort to change. I know can't make her change, but she has noticed my transformation. I can see she backs off on some of her toxic behaviour even though she won't admit it.

By "silly tricks" are you saying she is very manipulative? If that's true, then it will require a lot of toughness from you, if you intend to stay in a MR with her. Standing up to her, instead of cowing down and submitting to a bullying W, will likely earn her respect. Calling her out of her b.s., sh't behavior, trying to treat you like cr@p........is a must, if you want to see change in her. I don't know her, or the personal issues she may have, but I think a lot of unattractive behavior comes when the W feels the H is not being the man (leader, protector, provider, parent, etc.) he needs to be and she has to step up to get the "job" done. This causes huge resentment and disrespect in her. Once her disrespect for you as a man is gone, then she doesn't feel the loving emotions for you. Getting the respect back, is your starting point. Being consistent is key.

Deep down I know an anxious person is not for me and ultimately if she doesn't change I must leave.

Why wouldn't she feel anxious, if you always avoided things? If you would not confront certain matters, or didn't discuss relationship issues, or concerns she might have had........then why wouldn't she feel uncertain, worried, and anxious?

For sure my reactions only expounded her anxiety but I wouldn't say I created it. She has a few times admitted she is an anxious person.

Yes, she has been planning her exit. She told me as such. And about 4 years ago she started to say she will after any argument. A warning sign in hindsight but she always talks in extremes so I just ignored.

Yes, I've read about validation, and this is something I started doing about 8 months ago as part of my transformation. Not something I've done before since, well, I felt scared to speak up.

Yes, she picks fights, but less so since separation. But when she does pick a fight I spend a LOT of enegry to not be dragged down, to stay distant, and to stick to the situation. She loses steam and then typically ends the flight with "I just can't live with you".

Has it ever occurred to you that she might be doing this to see if you would speak up (stand up) to her? When a H acts like nothing the W says to him can prompt any action, she will speak in extremes and threaten.......just to see if it will pull him out of that distant, weak, closed lip, subdued behavior. Do you understand how unattractive that type of behavior in a male is to a woman? Women want their H's to be stronger than they are! Therefore, she's going to test you to see if you really are stronger than she. And, stonewalling her is not the type of reaction (or lack there of) she wanted to see in the man who was suppose to be in charge of her family. If she bullies you, it is b/c you allowed it. That's true anywhere you go. The schoolyard, the workplace, within families, or intimate relationships.

One a week ago was where my daughter came to me upset that wife wouldn't stop pushing her on a swing even when my daughter said stop. I just causually told my wife that the daughter was upset that you didn't stop when she said stop. Oh boy. A 30 minute tirade of excuses, complaints about the daughter, sarcasm, and blaming my daughter for "playing me".

Then I would suspect there was much more at a deeper level than just the fact your daughter reported her mother to you. Maybe she's right. Mothers can usually see when their little girls "play" their father, even though the father can't. I've seen it happen many times, just like sons can play their moms. But aside from that, I'd guess your W didn't feel supported, and not just this time but in general. That's another one of those EN.

I will continue in next post.