Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (3)

[Adam04]

Joejoe, my wife had looked at info on writing the no contact letter yesterday. The reasons why, the purpose, the details. This wasn’t in front of me but it was up on her phone and search bar.

AS, yes retrouvaille is something wife has agreed to. She had agreed to,but I think this weekend and yesterday, last night was very damaging to the progress. I will try to explain.

My wife has said she was willing to take this lie detector test to put the cheating to rest but I said no a couple of times. I think we can rebuild trust without it. This would also pose a problem because I told her I thought D was off the table and we were all in to making this work. I asked her what if she did pass but more importantly what would happen if she didn’t. It would be a very awkward position because what would be the consequence for her lying or failing. And speaking of awkward , it has gotten there quickly.

Sunday night we were in a good spot. She said she was angry at me for bringing the boys into it. I validated and said I could see why she could be angry. I thought my older son deserved to know. I asked him if he needed to know and between him and me he said yes. Then when W and I was discussing it she said he told her he didn’t need to know so she thought it was me using him. I told her it wasn’t but I don’t think she believes me.

Right after she told me about what happened with this guy I had to take my boys to the barbers so they heard some of our discussion , which I tried to address with them. Because she wasn’t in the car I think she feels I was trying to put the blame on her and make her the villain in front of the boys when that’s not what I was doing. This was early Saturday. I did say that what happened was between mommy and daddy and we had an issue with not telling the truths so I took this as an opportunity to stress the importance of not lying.

So Monday morning she leaves to work, kisses me bye, and tells me she loves me as usual. I didn’t have a good sleep because of the freshness of finding out about this guy. She texts me in the morning while I’m at work and asks if I got any sleep and how my day was. This is where I thought I was going to be honest and tell her not so great and I was still dealing with what she told me. She said she was sorry. I dragged this convo on all day just talking about everything via text to us, the kids, recapping how she lied but swore she was with a larger group and her female friend before so what I thought was working to lean in trying to poke holes thru her story to see if she would come clean, it just made her how she is right now, hurt and angry.

W bday is today and in the texts she was adamant nothing happened emotionally or physically with this guy and she lied because I had already been accusing her of cheating and when she went out to lunch and I asked about her it was out of the blue and she thought I would accuse of her being with this guy. Like I was finding someone to blame for our problems and she didn’t know what I would do like go berserk and bring her down at work. W texted me to not do anything for her bday. No flowers nothin so I stopped that this morning. It flipped in a day. I believe I put too much pressure on her. I was talking about a transparency plan and going to retrovaille. All of which she said yes. I thought I was in control of my emotions and I was being vulnerable enough ... and no matter what we think we do right , it doesn’t always line up with their perceptions or beliefs.

Earlier during the weekend I had a huge dinner party for W birthday and it was a surprise. W enjoyed it. This was Friday. Saturday was when I got the “true story” that instead of her having lunch with her girlfriend and group it was two male clients. That’s when I had her tell my son, I left for the day and I came back that night. Went to church and tried to make amends Sunday and it just went right back into crazy mode via texts on Monday. She said this was draining and that she loves me and is trying but damn is it making her think she wants to from this. I told her several times before that if we come together and work on it, we would need to discuss finances again and this was serious because I am gambling living a very fragile lifestyle with the Boys in the apartment to splurging more because of the combined income. Well before I left to go back to the apartment I threw this in her face. I said I gave you so many outs to come clean about that day and you chose to keep it a secret. I told her about spending the money on the bday dinner and how extravagant it was. I sincerely regret that. I thought I was being practical but it sunk in later that this was for her so she took it more personally than me just saying this is extra I was spending and not so much this is extra I a, spending on -you- instead of saving for my kids. I felt like [censored] and I saw she did too.

Last night she asked me to leave the bed because she needed space. I told her I wasn’t leaving and I tried to talk to her and letting her know this was going to be hard and I wanted to listen to her to understand her side of it. She was tired and said she felt drained and defeated. She was still also bitter about the boys. She said she was upset when the little one told her Saturday night that daddy would still be here if you did not lie. I don’t know what more I could have done to shield them, teach them, and just keep them away from this. I believe she feels the same way also but we are on opposite ends and she is taking the blame for it and feels like crap.

One of the convo pieces with lunch with this guy was when I faced timed her that day, she went to the restroom and I asked her where her female friend was and she couldn’t get her. She went back to lunch for a few more hours and then came home. So in my texts to her Monday I said this was very Strange and didn’t add up and I wanted to know if there was more to this. So last night she said she could contact the guy and ask for a copy of the company expense report of his company has that for that day. She said her company has her scan in the actual receipts which usually has the date and time on it and this is what she could do. I said if you are going to contact him, you will need to do it in front of me. This got her nervous saying her work integrity would be on the line and anything related to work she is petrified could get her fired. Her work is everything and she is scared of anything wrong going on to lose her job. I offered a compromise to email him but to blind cc me But maybe I could have had her email from the laptop if she had it at home. Sometimes it’s at work.

Last night ended with her sleeping with the boys and it felt like it was going back to how it was with the in house separation. She said goodnight and that as transparency she said she was leavingher phone and watch in the room.

After she fell asleep upstairs I checked the phone and I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary except she saved a copy of a text I sent her on Saturday telling her she should tell our son what happened. In one of her family group texts all of Saturday texts were deleted but Sunday they picked up talking about what I had said and how it was wrong to bring the kids in and if she told me the truth and she feels so bad and I keep doggin her and can’t forgive her, then she can’t go on living like that.

She responded to them tha this is killing her because she doesn’t want to drag the kids thru this and she wishes I would understand and that this was too much for her. W has several family group texts at the top with her siblings joking and talking with the brothers. The text I read was only with the sisters and below all her work texts. I am not sure if she purposefully wanted me to read that but I am glad I did.

Oh and about the tracker find me app. I asked her to install that a while back and I asked her over the weekend if she had and she said she changed somethign and couldn’t get it to work. I thought she was kidding me, but I realized looking at her phone she changed her login to another email. This would seem strange at first but she did this because our 2 boys are on their iPads at home every day and their iPads halve her old email for FaceTime. So if I or Anyone FaceTime the boys she would get it on her phone too.

When she got up for work this morning I told her happy birthday and didn’t say much else. I also called the florist who was the call above her on the phone and I accidentally clicked her name fat fingered it and then I ended call immediately. Called the florist right after to cancel the delivery. She calls back and asks if I called. I decided to let her know I cancelled the flowers. That was something her sister in law shared with her when I asked for her company address. They were trying to see if I wanted to address since I am off today to go to her boss to talk about that day or to send flowers. Either way it was cringe worthy and I couldn’t believe how they saw me. I even told her and swore I wouldn’t sabotage her work and I was trying to save the marriage, I thought we both were.

I am pulling back. It seems like too much too fast. I couldn’t sleep last night. I think about her,this guy, it could be anyone and she even said that last night. She was because of the lie but that person could have been anyone and it would be the same, nothing happened. She said she knew I would have a problem and was looking to blame her so she lied and she regrets it. And the sad truth is that I was looking to place blame so this is hard for me.

I am pulling back and I will temporarily not mention anything about the guy, the R, recon, the letter. I am giving her a break. I looked at myself trying to see me thru her eyes and it’s so different. If what she says is true, her concern and love for the boys, to protect them from the harm I could cause, to protect herself from the harm I could cause at her work, and that she has been truthful to me she didn’t cheat but she did lie, and that it makes her feel defeated like I am still throwing it in her face, I feel she will walk out. Not only that... I feel there is pain , her pain. So I feel ashamed and apologetic but at the same time I need to stand tall and no be too emotional. I have been trying to go by what I think is the right thing to do to make this work, not in a selfish I want her/I need her , controlling, way. This last few days opening up about my emotions and showing her my doubts I think has scared her or made her really good at a front but I don’t think it is a front. I feel like I may need to tread lightly for a while. I told her I do believe I could trust her but it was a process. I can tell you she gets very emotional and fast and needs time to cool down to sort her feelings.

I have more time today to go into more detail I think of what transpired so apologies if a lot of this is overlapping.

I want to have another discussion with my wife to let her know I see it thru her eyes and i will work on the forgiveness and I also think I should just show her by not bringing it up for a while and letting her know I am not playing the blame game. I feel so bad because it seems that way. I don’t like this part of opening up and sharing because that focus does shift to me and sometimes it can sound a lot like me,me,me everything me. I also feel like I need to be careful not to pacify my W. She made a cokpmment like that, like she doesn’t want me to pacify her as we both are entitled to the way we feel and she understands my grieving process but at the same time I need to try and understand her side.

Going to end it here. There was a lot more I was feeling and some sort of doubt with W but nothing that comes to mind because my heart wants to believe her and forgive but my mind is slowly catching up, waiting for signs.

Oh this isn’t major but when it’s me and her, my W has said she doesn’t tell our business to her family like none of it through the months, but I know to believe nothing she says. So it looks like she came clean or they knew about this other guy and let us work it out. I don’t feel hurt by it because I know family rely on each other. It’s just that she feels like she has to lie to me for not getting their input because I tell her I am not speaking to people because of that very reason. And her siblings are here now so I will go out there and put on my best smile and GAL with my youngest boy who is awake. I asked if he wants to get mom a bday card and he said yes so that and Chuck E. Cheese here we come.

There are no guarantees. It’s hard work. I’ve told myself I am the one who okayed this shift from physical separation to starting recon and I am going to be patient and forgiving to both of us. Goodness did I make a lot of mistakes but that’s something I’m dealing with now.