Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 2

[crdcheck]

Sent W an email yesterday with some proposed topics to cover, far more than could be done in 20-30 minutes (our new time limit for tricky conversations), bolded the ones important to me and asked her to pick the ones she wanted to cover. We talked about:

Timing/paying for her to get an apartment. Her view is that the longer we are under the same roof the more likely it is that there will be a blow up between us, that D3 senses that there is an issue, that she has more of a need to get a place locked down, and that not having a place locked down gives her anxiety. I validated (though I don't agree with all of her logic) and shared my perspective, that she is always welcome to leave, but that it will be on her dime. She tried to pull a "kitchen sink" approach (bringing in all kinds of random stories and issues) and I held to the home topic. We eventually agreed that no lease would be signed until we had a temporary custody arrangement on paper and an approach for paying for it. I didn't want it to come across as a threat but I did share that any big unilateral expenses would not be viewed as wanting to work together in D3's best interests.

Planning of weeks. We've been pretty good about letting each other know when we will be out (e.g. going to gym, doing open houses) but there have been a couple of gaps that I wanted to talk through. Good conversation overall, there were some miscommunications (W took D3 to the pool on Sunday and didn't tell me when she would be back, couldn't respond to texts because they were in the pool, which upset me - turns out she thought that she told me, and maybe I forgot).

1:1 interactions. This really boiled down to me saying that it's grating when people are messaging on their phones in front of me (and/or D3) virtually nonstop; I told her that she is fully within her rights to tell me to just deal with it but that, for me, that may mean that, when D3 is in bed, I go over to my brother's house to hang out. I don't mind being alone but I really don't like being next to someone who is so focused on someone else. She was definitely upset, threw up that I was on my phone more (I'm on my phone, but more browsing, which feels different than interacting with someone not in the same room), that we've had arguments about this in the past, and so on. I validated, said that I agree that I haven't been perfect with my phone either.

Speaking of the phone, as part of my "plan" put in place in October to improve trust I was texting W every time I left/arrived somewhere which I continued to do even after she announced the divorce. I figured that the possibility that it showed my continuing commitment to rebuilding trust outweighed the fact that it's not aligned with detaching. Anyway, she told me that I don't have to do it anymore. I wasn't sure how to respond because I know that I don't have to do anything, it's all a choice. But I don't want to ignore her boundaries. So, I asked "so you are saying that you don't want me to text?" and she danced around it a bit but ultimately said "yes". That's a disappointment because it is a nail in the trust-building coffin and I didn't bring it up, she did (i.e. it wasn't like I was asking if it helped, I don't bring up anything from my plan, etc.).

Last item: she has noticed that I "just leave" and she did acknowledge that she was irritated with it but that she had to ask herself why she was feeling that way, etc. So, while I feel that I am still on a bad path (i.e. divorce is all but a given) at least I can say that I tried something different. On the other hand, the fact that I don't initiate conversations beyond greetings (a very positive "good morning!" etc.) has led to little conversation at all which I think that she believes means that I'm angry with her (i.e. feeds into her narrative that I sulk and turn mean when I'm mad). It's not that, and I honestly feel better than I've felt in months (not always, of course), but it seems like she's so stuck in her head that she can't imagine that she could be a contributor to the environment.

I'm not sure that I am looking for any specific advice right now but if anyone has any suggestions for other "tunnels" to try I'm all ears.