Such a roller coaster of emotions. I'm trying my best to feel them and let them pass. It's tough, I won't lie. Real tough. I'm digging deep. My compassion for my broken H runs deep. I feel no pity, just deep compassion and sorrow. He sent me another e-mail last night:
"I know I'm not being fair. I've left you in limbo. Even I feel in limbo. I know that I must come to some sort of decision. I can't sit out here in this condo forever, waiting for a eureka moment. I feel so sorry about all that's occurred. so scared. So depressed. and I know that I'm [not] doing right by anyone. I guess one way or another, I will leave this condo by labor day. I'm sorry I can't be more specific than that. I hope you will continue to at least understand me. I'm sorry for everything. truly I am"
I’m trying not to read anything into it. I think it was meant just as an apology. It sounds to me like he believes he only has 2 options – Her or Me. I wish he would realize that there is another option. Choosing himself. I would love to tell him that I’m not in limbo. He hasn’t realized fully that just as I can’t control his actions, his indecision has not been controlling mine.
I also think it sounds like he is preparing me for “the worst”. He’s moving on. Whatever his decision, I just pray that it includes choosing Life. The omen is still lurking.
This came across my FB page this morning:
“Be thankful for closed doors, detours and roadblocks. They protect you from paths and places not meant for you”.
I’m reminded that everything God does in my life is for my good, even when I don’t see it, even when they are difficult and throw me into despair.
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28.
