Persistent Endurance (Part 4)

[curtis7]

Here is some good advice in dealing with WW/midlife spouse affairs I had saved in my notes for many months, can’t remember the source so I apologize for not giving proper credit:

When you discover an affair, it becomes an issue of self respect, plus an issue of respecting a decision made by your spouse that you wouldn’t make, but they have chosen to make.

The major lesson the wayward midlife spouse should learn is that no person can ever have it both ways, nor have the best of both worlds. So, because you respect yourself enough not to participate in a triangular relational situation, you simply make it clear that as long as they’re having a relationship with someone else, that they cannot have a relationship with you. Then, you step back, go dark, go silent, do something else, but remove yourself completely from that equation.

No, you’re not giving an ultimatum, you’re extending a choice only the cheater can make. An ultimatum is demanding a choice–you or them…

Only using the marriage as a “fail-safe” or a “fall back” just in case the affair doesn’t work out.

Left behind spouse is only human, and has a clear limit to how far they will go before they might eventually choose to file for a divorce because of physical adultery.

Midlife spouses are often so entitled and arrogant, they really don’t believe they could be “left behind.” Yes, they really think they’re that special, that much of a prize, and why they think that is based on outside circumstances. They have someone to have fun with, while they also have someone who will take care of business. They have it good, while they have two people who want them at the same time. But when they begin losing, and they finally open their eyes to the losing of someone they really did NOT intend to lose–which is the left behind spouse, then things should start to change, although it will take time, before you might see any results.

STOP fighting them, back off, make your intentions known as respecting their choice, and cut off contact with them.

How should you act? Calm, cool, and collected, because remember, you are NOT losing anything IF the midlife spouse decides to go ahead, and go on with the affair partner. That would be the worst mistake the midlife spouse could make, but hey, it’s their mistake, not yours. You’re letting them have what they say they want, because you know you can’t make them break up with the affair partner, and return to you–you can’t control them, their wants, their needs, nor their desires. You can only decide to remove yourself from an equation they tried to create for the purpose of keeping themselves entertained, and happy.

You don’t want them returning because you forced them to, you want them to return because they wanted to.

When/If the midlife spouse finally wakes up, and begins to realize you’re unreachable, they might decide the affair partner isn’t worth their time and attention after all.

They will recognize the affair for the fantasy it is, as their decision and time separates them from the fantasy they’ve been living in.