I have been thinking about what each and every one of you has said today while I’ve been working.

I am surely confused yet again. I am on cloud 9 for what we have together as a family unit. I felt like that increased his love for me in a way, and I know it increased mine. It’s more than I could have dreamed of. The times we had just us were also amazing too. When he wanted to be with me, when I wasn’t a chore, when he would take any chance he got.

It’s like we went right to married couple when we heavily involved the kids. And I think even when they are your shared kids and you are married, adult time should be a priority. It’s how a lot of marriages fail.

And to speak to what happened in his marriage.... they had a baby then lots of stressors. They fought. And I could see how fighting with him is frustrating. He’s pretty hard headed. And I see how he is with his son. He said he checked out of the marriage with the fighting. I could see him focusing solely on his son and neglecting his relationship with his wife. It could be a possibility.

Some days I am so happy I can’t take it. Then he pulls this stuff . This kicked my butt honestly. He was mean at first, made me feel low for mentioning sex and said I wanted him to neglect his responsibilities to have sex with me. It crushed me. He validated a slight part of what I was feeling then argues with me for scheduling his time. I asked my boyfriend to see me before he went away. And I was made to feel bad for it. Then he goes on to tell me how much he loves me..... it’s spinning my head.

I am definitely backing off. I want to back off. I don’t even want to reach out right now. The thought of having sex with him gives me anxiety. Like I had with my ex. Which is a shame because it was so good and connected and intimate with M. I need him to miss me a little. Who wants to have an arguement with the one they love about spending time together ? Not me. I want him to want it. And he doesn’t, so, I don’t either.

Yes, he does get a little dramatic and regimented about his commitments . He acts like he is the only one who has them. The only one who even has a kid. He has no household responsibilities he doesn’t shop or cook or clean. He doesn’t get his son to camp or school. I worked my butt off all day, picked up my D made a nice dinner and now I have to mow the lawn while doing laundry and cleaning up. I have my fair share too. But his stuff is always bigger than mine.

As far as me expressing my needs/wants. I have been programmed to have none and to have them is wrong. You are right on the money, KML. My ex used to turn around anything I asked of him emotionally into me being a burden. My mom too, yes. So I question if I’m being unreasonable. And I’m sad he made me feel like I was. And I still don’t think I was at all.

I’m tired catering to others wants when mine are disregarded and worse yet, invalidated. It makes me feel small.

I can’t explain what’s between us. It’s a great love and sometimes it is more wonderful than I could describe. But when it’s not, it’s not. The good definitely outweighs the negative by far. But yesterday brought me back to a place with my ex, and I didn’t like that. He took my small want and blew it up into not being happy with anything and not being able to “satisfy” me.

He did text me today briefly. Then told me he has to go to work after he drops off his son tomorrow night at 8 pm which he wasn’t glad about.

I know I won’t be seeing him this week. He won’t make time. Unless he truly wants it. But I may just not be available.

My D also leaves for vacation Saturday , I’ll have a weekend to myself. Then I leave for Nashville next Thursday. Bachelorette time with my girls is what I need.

I’ve been neglecting myself. I haven’t been to the gym because I put it on hold because I hurt myself and I was too busy to pay so much money. The gym is for my physical and mental well being and it’s not there.

On the plus side, I got so many compliments on my hair and how cute and tan I look today. It felt good. M rarely compliments how I look anymore. He did tell me over text that my hair was gorgeous. But the last guy who really complimented how I looked was my exH. Imagine that.

I feel like he’s fallen into the married mode. He never flirts. Never ends me even a little flirty text. Never really had either. I guess it’s just not important to him. And what should be more important to me is he loves me and my daughter .

But KML, I am going to go an continue with this experiment. I told him what I wanted in the pass, he gave every excuse not to give it, I backed off, and he did it.

But FYI, men. Women do like to feel like a priority and they like to feel attractive.