Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (3)

[Adam04]

Joejoe,

Thank you so much for sharing your story here. You nailed it with the way my wife is. She is too ashamed unless confronted with the truths. You are right she is withholding but to what degree I don’t know. We had a talk this evening about that timeframe and I told her if I Checked the phone logs against what she told me with his number what would I find and she said they had been talking shortly after like day after and a couple more times and that was it and it’s been near a year. What she told me and her mannerisms, the look, it’s a bit different from the other times when I sensed the lying. I know I can’t go on intuition alone but something in me believes what she said this time around. She said she will write the letter and make the no contact call if that’s what she needs to do. Although we won’t know where to send the letter. And it’s not a confirmed Affair. It could have been anyone or many people.

W said when I got BD, she was unhappy and looking for a way out but it wasn’t to be with a guy. She was unhappy for a while and she admitted that acceptIng a ride from a guy for lunch was sending the wrong signals. She said she is ashamed that I busted her for lying that day and it jaded what she said could have been a friendship at best but now they don’t communicate and when they did she said they left it to only business.

W told me today she was happy for me when she saw me making positive changes for myself and she liked the new me. I was a 350 pound guy who blew up in weight and I had medical problems. She admitted today that last year she spoke to her sister about her concern of losing me if I was to die. She had talked to me abandonment it my weight and asked me to get a handle because of my swollen legs and the high blood pressure and other medical issues and she said I didn’t care and I didn’t. There were some points I was unhappy and wanted to die. This Is the reality she shared with me. She said her sister told her what if I didn’t die and I had a heart stack, I could be paralyzed forever and be someone she may have to take care of and she remembers this is what also made her change her mind. She said she isn’t proud but was scared and angry that I didn’t care and she couldn’t see that life of taking care of someone who didn’t care about himself. I know it’s not an excuse.


I think tonight I felt good like this was a step in the right direction and could be just enough for me to try and move on from. After we talked about the past i asked her now what would be different. We talked about marital boundaries and she said she knows not to accept rides from any guys and if she could help it , someone else would be with her during these lunches.

There have been some times she wanted to make sure I was in a good place like one night when a text came in late I said something I think it was that I couldn’t sleep and she half asleep made sure I was okay. She showed me the text and it was of the sister in law up with the newborn baby sending texts and Snapchats since the baby was up.

A few times going through the phone and apps I didn’t find anything suspicious.

Wife also wants me to break the lease and move in but says she understands if I still need my space to keep the apartment.

For the no contact call or letter, does it make sense to use for this guy?

Tonight with my wife trying to explain the past and her feelings to me .... My W said she felt like she hit rock bottom when she was in the house alone and she no longer had her family. She said when we were in house seperated she still felt like I was still there. It kind of shocked me when she said she felt like hitting rock bottom. This person now I talk to, she is open to listen, she is concerned about what I say, she has been willing to do what I ask. She is still scared though of what I would and could do.

I know I can move on past this. I wonder if there is more I should try to find out or more that I need to wait for, to be more patient with not breaking the apartment lease with more to see from her.

I do love her enough to let her go, and I do love her and can forgive. Where I am at in these stages up to recon that I am not sure.