You're not fooling yourself. Things are better but probably not in the way that you think. When you stop the pressure things seem better until you bring up a relationship talk or make a move towards sex. At that point your W will most likely remind you things haven't changed.
If you make a move and are rejected with that send you into a tailspin? If so, don't do it.
The only way out of the friend zone is to communicate to her that you will not be in a sexless marriage with no intimacy and if she is not willing to work to fix the problems in the marriage that you will file for doivorce.
So, I have a question. I am interested in pursuing some sex. Before I made a move, I thought that I should ask here first. It seems like things are a little better between us, but it has been such a long time. I feel like I am in the friend zone, and I would like to get out of that zone. Is there anything I can do to help with this? Other than intimacy, I feel like things are better. I could totally be fooling myself.
Destroyd, you won't like hearing this because no one ever does. Your only way out of the friend zone is to walk away. Your staying and not being in the friend zone, unfortunately, is not up to you. Your walking away is up to you. So your choices are, stay and hope one day you can attract her back to let you out of the friend zone, or walk away.
If you do ask for sex, expect the worst. DB principles say not to initiate. But that is up to you
Last edited by Steve85; 07/15/1902:35 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Destroyed... IMO...if you make a move and she is not in that same place, I think you will do more damage and I’m not sure it’s worth the risk. People say not to say “I love you” after BD because it only reminds your S that they don’t feel the same way. I think when LBS initiate sex, you run the risk of reminding your S they are not attracted to you. That could change in the future but it is definitely how the WS/WAS feels at BD. Remember...this is a marathon, not a sprint.
That is why I asked you guys. Thank you!! I needed the 2x4s to keep me from making a mistake.
Steve, I am confused by your statements. Walking away is the absolute last thing I want to do. I am hoping that my WAW eventually notices my changes and decides to recommit to the marriage. I don't want to separate or proceed with divorce. I love my wife and family so much.
Unfortunately after 27 years together most likely the only way for that to happen is she has to fear losing you. Right now she has zero incentive to put in the work to save your marriage.
If she's not already in an A right now she is vulnerable for one. She's working out and dressing young for a reason.
That is why I asked you guys. Thank you!! I needed the 2x4s to keep me from making a mistake.
Steve, I am confused by your statements. Walking away is the absolute last thing I want to do. I am hoping that my WAW eventually notices my changes and decides to recommit to the marriage. I don't want to separate or proceed with divorce. I love my wife and family so much.
Destroyd, you asked how to get out of the friend zone. I told you that you have the choice of the status quo (IE remaining in the friend zone if she has indeed FZ'd you), or if you can't handle being in the friend zone...walking away.
In other words, whether or she friend zones you is not UP TO YOU. It is up to her. Your only choice to get out of the FZ is to walk. This is difficult for LBSs to understand. By nature of BD, after BD you are friend zoned. You don't get to decide, that is up to her, it is out of your control.
Eventually she may be reattracted to you if you COMMAND RESPECT. Or she may never will be and you are looking at the FZ for the rest of your life.
The only thing you get to control is how long you put up with the FZ. Lots of LBSs eventually get sick of it and walk.
Also, listen to LH. The fact that you will never walk is working against you. One of the best things I did in my sitch is to consult with a divorce attorney. When my W found out the fact that I could move the D for her got real!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So, I have a question. I am interested in pursuing some sex. Before I made a move, I thought that I should ask here first. It seems like things are a little better between us, but it has been such a long time. I feel like I am in the friend zone, and I would like to get out of that zone. Is there anything I can do to help with this? Other than intimacy, I feel like things are better. I could totally be fooling myself.
How long has it been? Do you see any indications from your W that she's interested in that? I agree with the others that it's likely she'll reject you and that may just make you feel worse. But, there is a small chance she might be interested. My XW and I quit having sex after BD, then about a month later in MC she said despite everything she wouldn't mind continuing to have sex because she enjoyed it. That came as a shock to me. So we resumed, and continued until she moved out.
So, I have a question. I am interested in pursuing some sex. Before I made a move, I thought that I should ask here first. It seems like things are a little better between us, but it has been such a long time. I feel like I am in the friend zone, and I would like to get out of that zone. Is there anything I can do to help with this? Other than intimacy, I feel like things are better. I could totally be fooling myself.
How long has it been? Do you see any indications from your W that she's interested in that? I agree with the others that it's likely she'll reject you and that may just make you feel worse. But, there is a small chance she might be interested. My XW and I quit having sex after BD, then about a month later in MC she said despite everything she wouldn't mind continuing to have sex because she enjoyed it. That came as a shock to me. So we resumed, and continued until she moved out.
Similarly, my W initially was against it. But one night late at night we were having a discussion (very early on in my sitch), and she said she wanted to. I was shocked. My reaction exactly: "REALLY?!" She then said, "no forget it." and the moment passed. When I mentioned this to a counselor she said "She probably is really horny." Obviously she had a lot of pent up sexual energy from her EA, and was willing to use me to release it. But Destroyd, be aware, if she says yes she might be physically with you, but mentally with an OM. This is why you can attach NO significance. Lots of Ws in EAs have used their husbands to "have sex with the OM", and then the LBH is flabbergasted that it didn't mean things were better.
So it is a tricky issue to deal with. Only deal with it if you are capable of handling it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
